picture perfect

Yes, I know. But one seems to be limited with the size of the picture one can use. My first preference is this lovely purple as you can actually see there is a bee, but file size is too big. As for the yellow, well, there are all sorts of comments to that, though I do like it better than the one I have ended up with. Oh well, we shall see. Maybe I can find someone more knowledgeable than myself who might be able to get purple saved on much smaller file size. Otherwise I will await further opinion on whether I change to the other.

Excuses

One I know was making comment on the blindsiding ability of being female. As we all know, hormones have the amazing ability to take you on a rollercoaster emotional ride. And that is without the influence of those that claim to be near and dear to us. Add in their problems, the stress of the work place, the craziness of the world and sanity is often hard to find.

Then, of course, there is the 'shooting yourself in the foot' ability. What you bring upon yourself.

Had an interesting discussion on that ability the other day. I had been bemoaning some of my perceived stupid actions of recent times and was wondering just what sort of masochistic insane tendancies I was showing and how disappointed in myself I was. Just how could I do that? Supposedly a rhetorical question for previous posts. But the person I was talking with, fortunately still a good friend despite all, did point out something.

Excuses. Getting drunk provides a ready made one. I could bemoan that I said certain things that I never meant to say, but they have now been said. Over and done with. I no longer have to concern myself with agonising about how, if, when, whatever... it is done. Did I set out to do that deliberately? Not consciously, so I really need to work out what my subconscious is up to. And why. Results? Some interesting changes of perpective as far as I am concerned, more of that later.

Mind, there was another interesting occassion when I was accused and told that I could not use alcohol as an excuse. Interesting in the fact that I was quite sober, in that I was not that drunk and I knew exactly what I was doing. And why. Got some unexpected reactions, interesting in themselves, some of which I am still trying to work out.

This is really one different journey.

Bubble

Things are good today. My mood has decidedly improved, things are on a level that I would wish them to be. Company is sort out and allowed, talk is general and specific, relationships are quite positive all around. This is what I would have. I am pleased that contact is still acceptable even though the need is no longer there.

I hope that this is what I can expect. I pray that the bubble does not burst. I also know the fragility of both hope and bubbles. But it is not up to me as to whether the bubble turns into something more permanent. Still, I will enjoy the refraction while it lasts.

Play that funky music.

I had to walk out on a group of students today. A group of year 12's who had come in on their study day to work on a production they were doing. And as I teach them normally, they said, come in and hear what we are doing. We have some talented kids here. I came in part way through, listened for a minute. And had to get out of there fast. Not quite "killing me softly" but I did not want to hear anymore. Saw them later in the afternoon and heard the thing properly. Helps when you are not ambushed. I am looking forward to seeing this performed.

Just goes to show the mood I am in. Must be obvious too. Have had a few people stop and ask as to how I was and actually want to spend time finding out, rather than believe the automatic "fine". As I said, funk is the reason I do not get involved in productions anymore.

Failure

I suppose the only good thing about considering yourself a total failure, is that there is only one way to go. Things could get worse, I know, but that would take the failure away from just me and really start making a disaster of things.
Ok, so lets put down an inventory as to just how bad a job I have done this last little while, and maybe, just maybe, if things get better, I can keep a track on that.

Failed; myself. Should have remembered the reason for a one limit share on wine. Said some things I had no intention of ever saying. It is bad enough to lose ground in a tactical retreat, with the plan to gain some other advantage elsewhere, but to just surrender without any point whatsoever? Insanity, to put it mildly. Could use another few adjectives, but what can be gained by that? Just try and find some other way of rebuilding my shattered opinion of myself.

Failed; my partner. Just how much patience can one man have? About time I stopped saying that I appreciate what he is to me and does for me, and actually do some things to show it, instead of just abusing his love for me. Else I am going to find that the boundaries are not all that far away and not all that secure.

Failed; a friend. They came to me battered and bruised to find a bit of peace and security. Instead got questions that cut and had stuff dumped on them that should never have been dumped. There is little peace to be had in the words that things were not said that were not known, it does not escape the fact that I had no right. What part of selfish egotism ever gave me thought that I could ever abuse another like that?

So there it is. Put in words to give myself reminder. I feel that I am a very poor excuse for a concerned human being at the moment. Just how thick a skin and skull must I have as these lessons just will not sink in!

I had better learn. Before I do some real damage. Not to myself, for that would only be deserving. But to those I do care about. Now that would be unforgivable.

Just when it was thought...

....that it was safe to go back into the water, something comes along to bite you in the bum.

I came into this term with some degree of quiet expectation. I was looking forward to my classes, the timetable had gone well, I had a real break, and I had found calm. I was going to be all right.

How wrong I was. I found out the hard way just how I take the news that my role has been reassigned. I am still reeling from the shock of just how I took that. End of week one.

Yesterday. Monday week two. I find out from someone who I wanted to value me, just what their opinion of me is. No questions, no asking for justification or explaination, just attack. As for the reasons why? You do not go stabbing in the dark without intending to draw blood. Or hurt.

So I now have confirmation. Almost had my nose rubbed in it, but by luck was spared that. The question now is, how do I prepare for what might come next? In this case any killing stroke is going to be neither pleasant nor swift.

I might just take next week off.

Advantage server

It is amazing how often something perceived as negative, actually turns out to be a positive in hindsight.

Over twelve months ago I conceeded a point. Not that I have any doubt that it will not be used against me, but it still was not nice to know that I was at a disadbvantage. I have enough going against myself personally, without someone else having the upper hand. I have played enough dangerous games to know the disadvantage of being behind.

It took me till the end of the year to manage to break even. Their loss of point. Metal meeting metal and the following request made it one all. I could feel that I now had some gain of control.

Now I think that there has arisen a situation that I can claim as another point given. The very thing that has given me grief in the last post is the very thing that has given me minor advantage. Not a specific incident, as in the case of the other two, but a point regardless. For if ever played the fall out would be.... interesting to say the least. Not that I would play the point. But my imagination can have a field day with this. And it feels good!

So I will sit back and watch with interest this turn of events. Turn the negative into a positive with the knowledge that the advantage is now mine. Dangerous games, I know, but the sense of being back in control is somewhat enpowering. I have no intention of ever conceeding ground again.