Loss

We buried our dog yesterday. After being a family member for 17 years, it was not an unexpected thing to do. Though the way of her passing was.

She was a little dog. And something got into our yard and tore her chest. Broke four ribs and did untold damage. It seemed best to put her out of her pain. And that was without being half blind and arthritic. She is in a warmer and nicer place now.

Just the perfect icing to a day that had so much expected of it. Suffice to say that what is one expected to think when they are told a few days ago that no excuse is needed to visit, but when there is reason, excuse and location almost half way there to start with, one is given strong indication their presence is not wanted.

Ah well. I have often said that I needed hard lessons. Cannot complain then when they are given.

Correct

I hate proving myself correct.

Generally I am quite optomistic in nature. I see little benefit in being otherwise. But I also play it safe, expecting the worst senario for any outcome, particularly if it is about something I want. The theory is that I can not be disappointed if it comes true and I can be pleased then with anything more positive than the worst.

More often than not it is the latter that is true. Today? Well, I suppose it could have been worse.

I predicted that I could only go downhill from my start to the day. Tick one. As for the other ticks? Noted and shoulders shrugged. Did I not expect this?

I do not like reviewing mistakes, little point in it. But it is times like this that I really wish that I had got that job. I do not know what my life would have been like, but it would have to be better than this. I hate the mood shifts on flimsy actions, the questing, the unknown, the imagining, the inability to shaft the whole damned lot, put it all in its place and move on. I am seriously starting to believe that I need to do so physically to give myself the boost mentally.

Long break coming. For the first time in an awful long time, a complete break from all things. It will be strange. I hope some good comes of it. But in my mood, my imagining is going to come up with all sorts of reasons as to why I have been sent away. I hope none of them turn out to be correct.

Ups and downs

I have found that it is difficult to pull myself up from the depths. It takes concentrated effort but for the time being, I have found that I can gain some success. Necessary for the well being and sanity of not only myself, but for those around me.

But now I find I have to pull myself down from the heights. Things are too good at the moment, far too good. It cannot possibly last. I would have this be what I can keep expecting, I like it here.

But it is far to fall. And the landing hurts.

State of health

I have a couple of female friends who are not well at the moment. One has been so for a while, the other has a good prognosis for recovery. Medical science has come a long way, I know, but there are still some things that are beyond the scope of human intervention. And understanding.

The problem with my friends is that there is nothing physically wrong with them. No parts broken or worn out. Both intelligent women with loving husbands and children, work they enjoy, no financial hardship, a good network of support. Yet that does not prevent serious illness invading.

The trouble with mental problems is that variety is so large, treatment so varied, time frames so erratic that people do no know how to react. And often the worst is that the person involved cannot see the problem.

Break a bone, it hurts. Set and plaster and usually 6 weeks later it is better. My friend could not understand why her husband turned against her. He felt that her words were true though they were not. It was fortunate for him that the doctor made the decision for him.

I ask what I should do only because I do not know what will help or hinder. Do I act as if nothing is wrong, treat them differently, more assertively, more gently?

I know I have my problems. I can feel them when they happen, and at the moment can do something about it. Herbal remedies, busy mental work, lots of tears can often get me through. Though the long nights where I wonder how to resign or seek professional help do not help. I have loving care and a good network but I am scared that it is not enough.

My comfort is that if I finally go, I will not care. Like death, I have no fear of the end result. It is the going that holds the terror.