Brick walls

There are days when I believe slamming myself repeatedly against a brick wall would be of more use. This past little while have just been a run of such days. At least then the only damage would be to myself and physical pain is a lot easier to deal with. Bandage, panadol and wash the blood off the stone. Simple stuff.

Nothing I have touched lately has done any good. Nothing. The only thing I have successfully managed to do is fail. Completely.

I make assumptions, do stupid things to try and qualify, try and find out where I am wrong and keep hitting dead ends. I make steps to try and clear issues, to then find myself drowning in mud. I reach; to cause hurt, confusion, rejection, anger and frustration in others. I burn and am burnt.

With a friend like me, who needs enemies?

1 no, 1 reject

It is amazing how productive and destructive the wee small hours have on the thinking process.

This week has been different, to put it mildly. Highlighted this morning by blue fingernails.

I did a science prac yesterday using copper sulphate solution. But even taking as much care as I did, I still ended up with a blue stain under my nails. Not unexpected, but still something to have to deal with. Similar to my whole day.

Words were said and heard. Questions and answers. Statements. To me, to others. The impact was strong. Very strong.

But quiet moonlit reflection reminded me. For every one that says none, there are three others that can be named that would name me. For every no, at least three yeses, for every rejection three who will accept. And the sum of that has to at least balance the sum of the other, even with the lousy mathematics I often employ.

I kept those words for a reason. This is the reason. So to do as it says is difficult to say the least. But necessary.

Shut down

It is strange to be here. I am not sure just where I am at the moment. This was the place that was more to be me, but I am not sure who that is, where that is, right now.

A lot has been happening. Games have been played. Supposedly to stir up issues that I thought needed to be stirred. Dangerous ones, to be sure, as any games are where people's emotions are being dealt with.

But as usual there are deeper things. Have they remained where they should? I have no idea. And I feel beyond caring. So I slam the lid down hard and try and ignore what is trying to surface. I like logic and purpose. That is neither.

I laminated last weekend's star signs today. Not that I go for those sort of things, but this one just demanded my attention. For it put into print things that I have been trying to drill into myself for a long time now. Unfortunately there are times where I forget the truth of the world, when I want to forget. So to have a little card on me to be read at every free moment may just provide the reminder I need.

It all has to sink in sometime, doesn't it? That is the only hope there is.