Four lettered words

I recently read a musing on love and lust, and the difference there in. And because space there was limited, I thought that I should make more comment here. I do not know if that is a wise decision or not, but then, I am not famous for my wise decisions.

I do have to agree on one point, love and lust are too readily synonymous in our society today. Lust, physical attraction, is what brings two together. Six months at least for hormones to settle and then you can see if there is love left. Too often the fever is equated with the long term haul and that is where problems occur.

Lust is a physical need, especially for a female. It, after all, is a requirement for the propagation of the species. One can almost predict when it is in the phases of the moon you want to get down to hot and sweaty. But when does want of someone become a need of someone? And what of the need when there is no want? The emotional overtaking, competing with, apart from, the biological. That is the difference.

But to talk of love as a decision that one makes? That I am not so sure of. For the saying “to fall in love” is quite appropriate, at least from personal experience.
Though I have to say first, that I believe you can love more than one at a time. Ask any parent. And often the only difference between friend and partner is that you go to bed with your partner. To be in love with your partner, does not necessarily exclude falling in love with another. And that is generally beyond choice. For though one may not choose to be in that situation, would actively choose to avoid it, it is often a nasty shock to the system to suddenly realise that precisely what you did not expect, you have to lay claim to. And such a fall can be quite painful. Definitely leaves scars and takes a hell of a lot to pull out of.

Would that love be logical and sensible. One could then argue a way out of it. But I have often written elsewhere that heart pays very little attention to what mind has to say, even if it uses body to get what it wants. And that is what really annoys. It will not listen to reason and sense, it will not obey normal expectations and conventions and it damned well will not go away when it is told to. Choice? It does make one wonder.

In and Out

I have decided that the one in charge is a decidedly warped character. Just look at this creation. Or, more specifically, look at the people put on to populate creation. I suppose it is just one way of ensuring life is not boring.

Someone once told me that you can never take an objective view while you are on the inside, you needed to be outside. I am really not sure if I can agree with that. This last while I have felt at times so deep in the well that I saw stars in the sky during daylight hour (yes, it is possible, according to one of the many trivia books that adorn my shelves). Now I feel that I have finally moved outside of that but I do not feel objective at all. Nothing has changed, I do not believe anything will change as there is no indication of any change, so what happened? One of those great mysteries of life? Good thing I am nowhere near the Bermuda triangle, or I would be in serious trouble.

Anyway, speaking as I was of out and in, why is it that some people insist on trying to keep out those they want in? Do they have such an unreal expectation of what they see is the 'right one' that when they come along, unless they fit the picture exactly, they are wrong? It frustrates me to see couples where one is attracted to another and then spends so much time and effort trying to change them into something they are not, in order to fulfil unreal expectations. Unreal, in that how can either possibly be content in such? The one, in trying to be what they are not in order to be what the other wants. The other, in that no matter how good the match, how could they possibly live up to expectations?

I know I am so lucky. I have relationships that do not involve the above. I am accepted for what I am and very little effort made to mould me. Not necessarily an entirely good thing, I could do with being a lot more health conscious, less casual with finances and definitely a lot less selfish, but my angst only comes from what I do to myself.

But one thing I have had shown to be true. In all of my relationships at present, it is those that feel right, that I do not have to work at, that give me the most satisfaction and joy. There is a wide circle in which I love and am loved. What more could I ask for?

More than a bite

My friend has an appointment with a dentist today, which is why I will be talking here rather than with them. Funny how ones expectation of enjoying the workplace is more tied up with who you will interact with, rather than what you will do, but that could be subject of another and not why I am here now.

Anyway, left with this free time, which I should be doing what I should do, rather than this, but, hey, what the heck. And I had been thinking, yes it does happen. Why would a person' s wisdom be tied up in their back teeth?

Now I think that is what they said, that it was a problem with their wisdom teeth. Or the least with the fact that their mouth was too small. Never been a problem of mine. Just ask anyone. Which brings me to ask. If they are going to get wisdom teeth removed, then does that mean they will never have wisdom, or the little bit of wisdom they have accumulated by this stage is also removed? That those of us with big enough mouths are advantaged with more wisdom? Or at least have the teeth to keep that we do get?

But I do think it highlights another problem. Wisdom is all too often like back teeth. Hard to access, well hidden from the light of day, often forgotten and neglected and only really dealt with when there is a problem.

We should add wisdom teeth to the list of things misnamed. Tsunami's now get their correct title, but I would pray that not all name changes are as horribly dramatic as that. We all now know they are not tidal waves. Now we need to work on star fish becoming sea stars and wisdom teeth becoming... well, anything that does not have anything to do with wisdom. Adult teeth perhaps? Except that is given to those that replace milk teeth, again misnamed as very few teenagers would go anywhere being classified as adult. Ah, this requires more thought than I have time for here.

To my friend. May your wisdom not be tied up in dental floss, may you not suffer too much from the benefits of not having a big mouth and may the fat cotton-wool feeling disappear quickly and leave no other discomfort in its wake. Look forward to being regailed with horrendous dental stories at work on Monday.

Lesson in negative reinfocement

As any teacher, or parent, is well aware, one needs to have a whole repertoire of lessons in behaviour management. To build model citizens, for one. For your own sanity and peace of mind, the main. Though a recent discussion with a college had me think about a more formal discourse here.
Now, I am a firm exponent of bribery and corruption, of the right kind and in moderation, of course. It is amazing how a simple sticker or small chocolate can elicit a surprising amount of work from my students. Of course, we all know this. You would probably not be surprised what I would do for the right kind of incentive. After all, dinner, wine, flowers and chocolate are not recommended for apology or persuasion for no reason.
Another name for this is positive reinforcement. Give a reward for the right kind of behaviour and you may get a repeat of the behaviour for a chance at getting more reward. Works well, if you get the right kind of behaviour. Or you are willing to outline exactly the sort of behaviour that will get you to give a reward.
But what happens when you are wary about putting things exactly on the line? After all, not many people wish to be told they are doing something that annoys another, especially if you work with them or otherwise wish to keep relationships cordial. The other problem is that they have to show that behaviour before you can reward it, definitely a hit or miss affair.
Which is where negative reinforcement comes in. When undesirable behaviour is demonstrated then you give an undesirable response, or the very least you refuse to give recognition. The person does not like this reaction and, given persistence and consistency, they will get to the stage of not demonstrating this behaviour. Certainly, ending a relationship is one way of dealing with another’s annoying habit, but that is a bit like cutting off ones nose to spite the face. A bit dramatic, unless you are just looking for an excuse to do so. But that is another issue and possible material for another time.
Let me tell you how I know this works from personal experience. I have a friend. Yes, it is possible that there is one other insane being out there. Now it used to be that I would look for any excuse to spend time with them. Coffee at Southbank and food in Lygon St definite favourites. But the time for this was coming to an end, but I would not see this. Or, more truthfully, did not want to see this. But this friend, yes, they are still a good friend, which just demonstrates how masterful their talent at this is, managed to achieve this well. Each time an invitation was issued, they were unavailable or unable to comply. Or a ‘yes,… but’ response given, which is exceptionally effective. So I no longer issue. Not that I no longer wish to ask, I would rather have company for lunch next Saturday, but the thought is, ‘what is the point? why bother? you know what the answer will be’.
So there you have it. If there is a negative behaviour that you wish to modify, respond to it in a way that you know the other will not like. Preferably in a way that does not piss them off too much, or they may look for ways of getting back. Coolly, calmly and more than rational, and what comeback can there be? So endeth today’s lesson.

Finding the focus

My son and I have a mutual friend, a workmate of mine whom I knew there would be an affinity with. Not to mention another reason for contact. But it is strange how a simple question can crystalize a whole situation. My son asked me this evening as to how our friend was, and I had to say that I honestly did not know. It was not as if we had not spoken, we had exchanged a few words on several occassions, but nothing beyond social pleasantries. A far cry from converstions once enjoyed. Now I do not know if this has anything to do with the personal issues I have been dealing with, the fact that I have rid of my demons has only served to reveal the situation as it really is. Or has it been a conscious effort on the part of the other person to put distance between us? A question not needing an answer I suppose. As long as the desired end is reached, what matter the means? Or reasons. I suppose I should be more than a little grateful that the almost complete downgrading of my role is not viewed with any sense of disappointment. Such is life. Just goes to show how effective negative reinforcement really is. I do not bother asking anymore, for the answers are either the negatives I expect or ones to vex my patience. Time to move on?