Year End

The night before the last day of this year. Time for quiet reflection as tomorrow will be another hot busy day. To celebrate an arbitary end to an arbitary time scale. Still, it does give a point for a begining and an ending and is just as good as any other to find that another Sol rotation has been accomplished.

Well, it has been an interesting year. Generally, I suppose nothing remarkable. Personally? Well, I can truthfully say that I have never had one like it before. And given the way I feel at the moment, I pray to God that I never have one like it again.

I have inflicted hurt, I would hope not as much as I have been hurt. I have rediscovered strength and love and loyalty where it has always been and been strengthened by that. Taken refuge by curling up in that safety when I have made mistakes and used it to stop the bleeding. For though the damage could be said to be self inflicted, it is of no comfort to be offered a token bandaid when more serious dressing attention is required. Ah well, at least it is one way of coping with the problem. Focus on the injury and then other things are easier to deal with. At least the anger is now only disappointment. More at myself for being such a damnable idiot. I will overemphasise my importance.

Anyway, time for the obligitory resolutions. Get healthy. Aim for that commitment made to my mother. Remember exactly what my postion is in the scheme of things, who I am important to and give to those, stop wasting time and energy where it is not wanted. Commit to my reality as there is more than enough to keep me busy there, especially at work. Pick up the pencil again and work on my fantasy world where it is, not where I would it be.

And the year will be remembered for? Wine, coffee, roses, thorns, anger, limbo, hurt, curves, tangents, spirals, fruit, knives, questions, silence, friendship, disappointment and loss, so much loss. But fortunately for me, above and beyond all that, love.

Two days and counting

I always find it strange this time of year. Just when others are winding down and getting into party mode, that is when things start gearing up for me. The nature of the job and it is no different this year than any of the past 5. Except when there is uncertainly with almost a quarter of the staff being replaced and it is difficult to work the jigsaw when not only the picture keeps changing but the sizes of the pieces do too. Add to that too much socialising and most people just being plain aggravating with too little sympathy and too much angst ability and it is any wonder that I am snappy, bitchy and just not nice to be around. So it is most annoying that one almost lets on the tears when someone unexpected just puts an arm around and notices that you have had a really shitty day. And most thankful that someone does notice without being told. Still, I hate letting on that things are getting to me like that.
And I am so pissed off with people that cannot be bothered talking in any form for 72 hours and then wonder why you do not feel in the mood to give 30 seconds, or even 2 minutes just when you are walking out the door after being with them the whole day. Now that is one thing I would love explained to me. Another time.
Day after tomorrow. And then there will be no excuse to have to be aggrivated. After all, if I get silence under these circumstances, I really do not expect to hear anything for the full 6 weeks coming. Thank goodness there will be work to keep me occupied. And friends that can be relied upon. For all manner of situations.

Sounds of silence

As it seems that all other options for blowing off pressure have been negated, looks like I am left to return here. Yet I also find it annoying that when another asks to be excused for short sharp behaviour when under stress, that the same considerations do not seem to apply in reciprocation. I am attacked on a personal level, raise questions in defence and then get silence as a reply. I am attacked on a professional level and find it inappropriate to spout off in frustration. Even my own office is no longer my own haven, it has been indicated on more than one occassion that I either leave or modify my behaviour. Then too, when I make a total arse of myself and seek ways of working out damage control, I am told to leave it be and move on.

So what am I supposed to do! Call it quits and just piss off? Tried that a couple of times to be told that it is I who is over reacting and I should just tolerate the pressure that they are under. Stress does strange things to people. As if I didnt know. Fine, if they could justify that they are under any more pressure than the rest of us, myself included.

Do not give me silence when I raise questions about the form of attack I am expected to counter. I should be better known than to just have me sit back and accept any of that.

Am I being told to move on physically, not just metaphorically? I find it strange, my confusion. I would like to think that it is just Michael replaced by Smenkhare and it is a question of he will not have me close, but does not want to let me go. I could only hope. Probably in vain.


But I really wish that I would be told to just go away if that is what is wanted. For if things keep on this way, that is definitely going to be the result. For what pupose? I will be held to blame for the situation that they have caused? They will maintain the then justifiable innocence? If there is concern about my expected reaction, again fine, just tell me. If I am becoming scary, again, let me know, for under the circumstances what else can I be expected to do? Any educator will tell you that any reaction is preferable to no reaction at all. But I hate being expected to be a damnable mind reader! Almost as much as I hate the silence.

Anyway, only seven days to have to deal with the confusion and uncertainty. Then there is six long weeks in which there will be no contact and I will have the time to try and build the ice, find the peace and learn how to breathe again.