Healing peace

So this is what peace feels like. It has been so long, that it is almost euphoric to experience it. This break has actually proven to be so beneficial with its healing power. Firstly, in a break away from normal scenery and routine. Secondly, in the recovery of a hobby a year in frustrating limbo. Certainly, only rewrites of some older material, but I was able to take lines further and write many pages. And that brings me to the third, and most important point, it went a long way in exorcising some of those demons of mine, given this peace. The simple joy of not feeling any disappointment with expected outcomes and to not have thoughts preoccupied, makes me think that the addiction has actually been broken. Of course, the proof will be in the coming long break, but for the first time in too long, I do not look to time away with dreaded expectation but with some eager anticipation. I can now find rest and relaxation. That, in itself, speaks volumes to me.

Pressure valve

Well, not sure if I succeeded or not. Got through the two weeks leading up to the break from work, not all that hard with the way problems had to be fixed in the last few days. Then there was a busy camping weekend. But two days in and a relapse. But does it count? I mean I did not seriously expect an acceptance. But I really must learn not to find any excuse for contact. Or is it actually doing me some good? For with the way response is made, or not made, as the case may be, does this not work as reinforcement for what I wish to achieve? To hate is such a long way from where I am at the moment, but I have to head in that direction. For the waves of sick feeling in the pit of the guts and frustration at the fates wanting release in something violent can be annoying and frightening. I guess I can be thankful that they are occuring in decreasing frequency, if not intensity. Can I put that down to the ability to have this as a release of pressure? Focus, control. But just how good is deprivation for the addict?

Calming influence

I find it so difficult and annoying, that when one is not feeling in the best of health, then the mental barriers also suffer a battering. I thought I was doing well. To find that I have to fight hard against the upwelling of frustration is really starting to drag me down. I do not want to have to do this, but do it I must. The keeping up of appearances is all important, for what else is there to do? Go look in the mirror? Now, there is a good idea. Cannot be too many options like that to bring one crashing back to sensibilities.

Cycles

You know, I am getting tired of chasing my tail. Why is it that I keep running around in the same circles, creating the same amount of negative energy? It cannot be good for me or those around me. Wrong, I know it is not good for one near me. But what can I say? It is nice to be needed, valued in some small way by someone outside family. And though I know I am special to my family, in this case there is no obligation to do so. I think there is the problem. I know I am the center of my universe, it is hard to accept the fact that I am not the center of everyone elses.

Reward

Read back on some of my more recent rants. Might actually try and follow through again with one of those suggestions. Shut down and retreat. I am tired of getting angry and upset over what I perceive to be negative reactions. Who is to say that I am just reading it all wrong? And if I am right? Not a lot intend to do about it anyway for from my point of view I am doing nothing wrong. Always maintained I had a warped point of view, far too much imagination.
Anyway, thought of a reward if I behave myself and dont issue. Going back to that nice little book shop so if I am a good girl, I will buy myself a seal and some wax. Not essential but something I would really like, so a good incentive. As is the idea that I also cannot feel disappointed from that front as well as cannot be accused of getting up to anything from the other. Might be benificial all around then?

Egg shells

There are some situations that make you wish you could just lash out and hit something and it will all be solved. The release of pent up anger and frustration in doing something physical would be welcome, but not likely. Wont solve anything and is likely to physically hurt. Another anoyance to add to the list.
There was a TV show a while ago, David Carradine, I believe, where he was a 'grasshopper'. One of the things he was required to do was walk the length of a room long sheet of rice paper. But until he attained mastery, no matter how hard he tried or how careful he was, he always made a mess of things. The point here I think is self evident. My trouble is that I dont know what I am trying to master. The art of deception? So I dont seem to be doing anything to cause grief? The question also becomes as to what do I do about it. Dont attempt the task? Give up? Cannot do that at the moment, the cost is too high. Ah, well. Cannot complain though of life being boring.

Forget me not

Lets try for something a little different here, in the, undoubtedly vain, hope that I might actually start doing the right thing. For all too often I find the statement ‘why did I do that?’ coming after the event rather than ‘now, remember what happened last time?’ preceding. So, write it down, in some small hope that the action will reinforce the memory.
The lesson to be learnt here is ‘offer no invitation.’ For it is all a matter of timing is it not? Certainly the answer had a qualifier but there is all the difference in the world with the pause between ‘certainly’ and ‘but’ being immediate, no real effect, and being long enough to ramble on with raised expectation. As said though, one can be thankful for only private humiliation. One can berate ones own lack of intelligence only so long as one does something about it. I mean to say, getting disappointed when an offhand affirmation is not confirmed? You have got to realize that something is seriously skewed, don’t you?
Now I just have to find something that I can treat myself with if I actually get through these next two weeks without issuing a single invitation. Difficult, for a reward to aim for that I wouldn’t give myself regardless? Requires some serious thought.