I did it.

I actually did it. I heard of a job outside of what I am doing and applied for it. For the first time in my life I went for a job and there was no need for me to do so. Well, no employment need.

But it was kind of exciting all the same. As soon as I pressed the send button, I had to go and tell some. Till then, there was only the two outside of family who knew, those I asked to referee. Even that in itself was a boost to the ego. To be wished luck and the hope that I was not going to be offered the chance. It is nice for my fragile ego to know that there are some who want me around.

And there is no pressure here. In fact, it would be less pressure to not even get to the interview stage, but still... It sounds good and something I would like to be involved in. Publishing and marketing Maths text books with car, petrol, PC, phone and blackberry ( and I have actually seen one of those, mobile phone palm pilot is the closest I would say without actually knowing how they work) in a Southbank office? Far too good to ever be my reality.

Sure I have no desire to leave where I am, but it is a relief to find that I am willing to consider it. Six months ago and it would not have been an option. Now I would like to think that this is an opportunity for me to go, and I would hope that He has more plans for me than just the realisation that I can move on. I would miss my friends, one in particular, but it is kind of sobering to know that I would not be missed by that very one. Could almost imagine the relief actually. Toleration for the sake of friendship and pity? It is time I got back enough self respect to know that I no longer need that. Great theory. I hope I get the chance to see if I can actually go through with it.

Changed expectations

I am discovering that it does take time. For things that you know to be true to work through. You may say that you can accept things, believe what you say, but to get to the stage where you can live them? That is where the difficulties lie. I hope that this is the stage I have made it to. Where I understand where things are and know them to be true. I no longer need to rant as to anothers uncaring, for I can see that they never cared in the first place, so why get upset in the last? There is little point in asking for something that was never on offer. Rose coloured, pipe dream, fantasy, call it what you will.. there are aspects of imagination that have no place in the world I live in and the sooner I seep myself in that totally, the happier I will be. Play time was over a long while ago, it is now up to me to put the toys away for good, throw out with the rest of the trash. Now I just need this state to stop slipping back into old expectations. Though I can be thankful that they are becoming fewer and further between. And that it is easier to deal with the actions that used to disappoint, as I now get more of what I expect.

When enough.

I saw several movies over the break and, as always, some more memorable than others. But I heard a line in one that makes me think that I have to go back and memorise the rest of the passage. Or at least see if it is mentioned in the book. But it really struck home. Something along the lines of "the heart takes a long time to die. Bit by bit hope disappears until there is none left."
So there is hope then that this may find an end, even if it is taking so much longer than I need. I had thought that I had been doing so well, but it may have only been the expectation of treading water until the return to work. That though has proved an interesting exercise in itself.
Sweet Jesu, give me strength.