Grow up!

Dear God, just what is it going to take for me to grow up? I cannot believe just how really really bad I am feeling at the moment. Anger at my feelings, at how immature I am reacting. Certainly I can identify my emotions, and they sicken me. I have no right, but that does not stop them happening.

Please let it not affect at least one side of the equation. As for the other? If I needed confirmation, and I did not think that I did, well, I certainly have had it now.

Strange

The world is a strange place. Where the laws of physics work their magic, for every action there is a reaction, and the like. Yet games dance their own magic. Often I wonder what the hell I am playing at. Push the boundaries to get a reaction. Often not quite what I expect, but any reaction is better than none, is that not what the psychologists would say? But I say a lot, and get nothing that I did not expect, more the pity.

I feel old. Past my use by date. A logical reaction to rejection I guess, but I am not in the mood for logic. It is of some large comfort that condolensces are given, with the add on that they are glad that I did not succeed. From most that is.

From one? They said that they were sorry about my news. Interesting my reaction to that. I would like to think that they were sorry that I did not achieve what I would have liked. Realistically, I should think that they are sorry that they are stuck in this situation. Not very gratious of me, I know, but given recent history, the safest option. How can I be disappointed then?

Disappointment? God knows that the biggest disappointment to me..... is me.

Change

I was musing on telling someone a story, but I decided to put it here instead. Probably because I dont feel that I should send it to them, but they might stumble across it here.

I have a friend. Yes, for those that know me, it surprised me how many I do have. Anyway, this friend had a problem. She was in a relationship that went sour. Not her choice by the way, if relevant anyway. So, as girls do, we talked over copious amounts of chocolate and wine, over time. Yes, she talked to him about it, asked what was wrong, what had she done wrong, sooked, sulked, got angry, cried, lost sleep, you know all the senarios. She wanted things back the way they were, he was not interested, there was only reaction. Too many other problems to deal with.

And sure, I gave all the advice. Leave it be, time will heal, you still have a choice, cut and run. But you can be as logical as a full blood Vulcan and it makes not one blind bit of difference as far as matters of the heart are concerned.

Months passed. She began to accept that things were as they were. Sure, there were relapses, need for chocolate and alcohol, but I saw her less for these. Then one day she rang. The war was over, she had surrendered. Metaphorically of course. She had pushed the boundaries trying to get a reaction. And a reaction was got. But she surprised me. First, that there was sadness and resignation, but that was all. Second, that she was looking to change her job, on my advice.

Now I don't recall ever saying to pick up and leave. I would have thought there were too many plusses at her work and only the one problem, but it seemed the advice was indirect. For I had told her that I once had an email address that only a tiny number of people used. Started off fine, communication good, but that all dried up. It got to the stage where I knew I was going to be disappointed if I checked, I checked, and became annoyed because I was disappointed. Solution? Get rid of the site. Problem solved. I took control and created the situation where I could no longer be aggrieved.
So this is what she decided. If she was going to be stressed while working with this person and not being able to enjoy the relationship she had, then if she left, she couldn't be upset when ignored. She was also pleased to find that she could. Last year she would not even have contemplated such. Though that is another point of coincidence. I thought I was the only one looking for a change of scenery. It is often a surprise how these things work.

The point here? Change was sort. She wanted him to change, but all she did was upset herself and everyone else. So she made her own change. Not to change him, she realised that was not going to happen, but to change the situation, get herself out of the equation.
And, of course, the unexpected happened. She found her workmates did not want her to leave, big ego boost. He began to speak to her again.

No fairy tale ending here. She does not know if she will get the chance to change her job, but I think she will still go if given the chance. There is some repair happening, though there was one slipup, she said that she made the mistake of assuming that things went right back to what they were. Silly girl, but she got through that quickly. No more assumptions, she told me. She can take what little is offered. But she can also leave it.

Moral. If you want change, you have to make it. But take care. It may not be quite what you expected. Life has a funny habit of doing that to you.

Many splendored thing?

What is love? Always a good question as we all seem to constantly fall into it, occassionally fall out of it, always confuse it with lust and generally give outselves amazing angst regarding it. It drives our being, consumes our lives, drives us crazy with its demands, its uncertainties and always we willingly embrace it. Obsession or addiction? We cannot live with it but we would not live without it.

I have been in love three times. Not bad for five decades. I am still madly, passionately in love with my first love, and I am so glad to be able to say that. He gives me joy, passion, friendship, understanding, tolerance, but most of all, love. To be loved, and know that, must be one of the greatest joys. I know it is for me.
Early there was another. A friend who I began to wonder if there was more in it than just friendship. In the quest to find out I did a lot of hurt, though not to myself. I have always managed to come out unscathed in my searches, though it might have hurt a bit at the time. Scarred, yes, one does not do that sort of thing without some reminders. Fortunately I chose correctly, was able to walk away from that without any known effects.
But history can repeat. Fortunately for me circumstance made things easy, though I can only say that now. Was it because it was safe, that I allowed it to happen? Though allowed is such a strange word. Just how much choice to we have in how we feel about others? When we start to care, just how can we stop? For we only realise this when it is too late.
But care I do and will continue to do so. For as long as I am allowed. After that?

Holiday time

Talk about a short term! Mind, I am not complaining about the break, too many changes happening to not need the lack of class preparation. My baby is having a significant birthday, there are so many birthdays this month, I hope I do not forget any, and I am broke. Not really, but it seems that way.

Anyway, could not focus on classes last day as off for inteview. I am still gushing, but, who knows? Second round panel starts next week, I will see what happens then. I did not expect to get to this stage, so I do not really expect to go further, but it will be disappointing anyway.
And it is funny. Dont normally get contact from my workmates, but already had a couple of "and how is the break? enjoying yourself? coming back?" type of thing. I really did not know that so many cared. I know I told a few, for I hate it myself when part of the furniture is not there when you get back and you had no idea they were going, but still the reaction surprises.
It is not as if I cannot be replaced, but it is a good feeling that I will be missed.

And as for my dearest enemy? Who knows. He is talking to me, for the first time since that joyous Dec day. I am curious about reasons why, but am not likely to find out, even with the asking. And you know something good here? I really believe I do not care.

Author! Author!

It is amazing how once the ball starts rolling, other things happen. Finally got off my butt and put some Fanfiction on. Just the start, I have a lot more to go on, but I am not sure if the chapters have to be sequentially added, and there are still a few gaps in between, so it is a work in progress.
But I have published some writing! Albeit someone elses characters, only divergent from the story line and in a general mix. I mean, there were over 400 pages of authors whose pen name begins with L!
So if you are an Anne McCaffrey, dragon riders of Pern PC game fan, I would welcome your comment.

Seventh Pass Green by Lilybee

Next stage

It is kind of exciting. Got a phone call today to set up for an interview for the job I applied for. So I got through to the next stage! It is a little bit scary. That there may be a possibility of a change of direction. One part of me hopes that I do not have to make the decision, another wants to go.

Have started to let a few people know, so that it does not come as a shock. I mean, I have been around long enough to actually be considered part of the furniture. And it is nice to get the reaction I have been getting from most.

I also wonder if I should also say goodbye to one. I mean, if I follow through with my 'worst case senario' preparation, I might not see them again after this week. Except for the obligatory social events, until that dies its death. For if the friendship cannot be maintained with almost daily contact, I do not expect any effort to be made to keep in touch when there is definitely no obligation to do so. But then, what would be the point? Just another message ignored. Best to just walk away and hope, at least with the rational part of me, that I do not have to go back.

End of days

Well, that, as they say in the classics, is that. I pushed the boundaries all right, to get a reaction. Not surprisingly, I have found that I have gone too far. The war is over. Time to find a quiet shell to retreat fully and permanently into.
Hey, dont get me wrong, there is nothing here that I did not expect. I was fighting a losing battle. I just know it now and.... it hurts.