Pressure valve

Well, not sure if I succeeded or not. Got through the two weeks leading up to the break from work, not all that hard with the way problems had to be fixed in the last few days. Then there was a busy camping weekend. But two days in and a relapse. But does it count? I mean I did not seriously expect an acceptance. But I really must learn not to find any excuse for contact. Or is it actually doing me some good? For with the way response is made, or not made, as the case may be, does this not work as reinforcement for what I wish to achieve? To hate is such a long way from where I am at the moment, but I have to head in that direction. For the waves of sick feeling in the pit of the guts and frustration at the fates wanting release in something violent can be annoying and frightening. I guess I can be thankful that they are occuring in decreasing frequency, if not intensity. Can I put that down to the ability to have this as a release of pressure? Focus, control. But just how good is deprivation for the addict?