careful of wishes

They tell you to be careful of what you wish for. Well, I have been catching up on some reading, here and elsewhere, and see I asked to know what the matter with me was. Well, I found out. But it was supposed to be some simple medical problem, as if I would do anything simple. Unfortunatly for those who love and care for me there is nothing simple about a brain tumour. I mean, I have it easy. I just sit back and do as I am told. It is others who worry about loss if that is to be the way of it. Which will not be if prayer is granted. Yet I am amazed. First in the care shown by total strangers, which blows me away. Then I knew I has a huge support network, people who cared for me, but I am surprised how deep that care is, how many love me, who I can and cannot go to. As for those rare few who would rather me elsewhere, I plan to disappoint and be around a long while yet as there are still too many answers to find. Like what will my babies be? What's the new car like to drive? Am I publishable?The book is in for a literary comp but still another month to find out how it went. So I plan to stuff all fluff and nonscense which has taken up too much of my time, in rightfull places.

Change of pace

This has not been one of my better fortnights, and I still do not know how I am going to come out at the end. Come out of it I will, that is the nature of things, just what damage will or can be repaired remains to be seen. Real problem there is that you have to know what the problem is.

Anyway have had one answer. Had a bank of blood tests done to try and work out what is the physical matter with me, to all come back "normal." Relief in one way I suppose, will just have to wait and see what the nice doctor suggests next time. But it would be nice to have reason.

As for the rest? Well my best friend has effectively told me to go and piss off. Backed up with the ignoring of messages and hanging up of phone. Which makes it a tad difficult to try and work out why and how to repair and if there is point in trying to push either issue.
I mean, I do not want to just walk away here, I have a hell of a lot invested and have invested a hell of a lot into this relationship to just be expected to go without at least knowing reason why.
But it is not as if I have a lot of say here, obviously. But the not so subtle approach to let them know how I may feel does not seem to be working, so I may not have any choice.

Which angers and saddens me. But gives me answer to another question. Fairly obvious my standing and importance and how could I be accused of being wrong when I said I was not cared about?

At least my fluffy fur ball loves me. Need to get well to get morning walking again. And just a few short weeks and it will all be over for anther year.

So on the whole, things have been better, but could be worse. Just need to work for the former and to avoid the later.

Refreshed

This is the second week back for this term, and I have to say that I am still feeling quite good and positive. Not that the break had a lot of refreshment in it, too much negativity and self destruction happening around me for that. But getting back to work has let a few problems be aired, a few more personal steps allowed to have been taken, a couple of admissions/concessions made, and a seeming lessening of the obsession, which has made the internal feeling a lot more positive.

Add in the massage course that I have done which actually gives me a legit reason to touch others, and actually have volunteers to help me with my homework, and my tactile needs are being met in a really fulfilling way. Then also a lot of positive comments have been made regarding the shift from 18 to 14, new clothes help there. And when our new dog comes and joins the family in a couple of days, giving me something else to pour love and affection onto, then things are going to be great.

So, even given the frustration of what others are doing around me, the feeling of not being able to help, the negative self-destruct that seems to be happening at the moment, I am still good.

And I am going to work at staying that way. I cannot be responsible or help those that do not want to help themselves, but I can be good for me. Firstly by trying to take the last statement to heart. And if anyone doesnt like it, there are plenty of short piers for them to take long walks from.

Change

It is going to be interesting to see just how much of a change will take place, just how permanent they will be. Got through a whole weekend with only one early contact message sent. No reply and none expected. Even more pleasing is that there has been no overwhelming need to do any more.

Of course there is the expectation of contact tomorrow. But no need for contact beyond minimal, though trouble was created when trying for optimal minimisation, so maybe a case of not total shut down.

After that? Probably a full week before any other contact. And for the first time in recent history, there is no real dread accompanying that thought.

Change indeed.

And there is one of two reasons likely for that. Conflicting in their value, it is just a case of which one is most effective, which one is the overriding factor. Which is true and which is not. For it would be strange for them to complement each other.

I am cared about.
There is no joy, no pleasure or happiness to be had at work or play, which is where I am in my friend's life.

Brick walls

There are days when I believe slamming myself repeatedly against a brick wall would be of more use. This past little while have just been a run of such days. At least then the only damage would be to myself and physical pain is a lot easier to deal with. Bandage, panadol and wash the blood off the stone. Simple stuff.

Nothing I have touched lately has done any good. Nothing. The only thing I have successfully managed to do is fail. Completely.

I make assumptions, do stupid things to try and qualify, try and find out where I am wrong and keep hitting dead ends. I make steps to try and clear issues, to then find myself drowning in mud. I reach; to cause hurt, confusion, rejection, anger and frustration in others. I burn and am burnt.

With a friend like me, who needs enemies?

1 no, 1 reject

It is amazing how productive and destructive the wee small hours have on the thinking process.

This week has been different, to put it mildly. Highlighted this morning by blue fingernails.

I did a science prac yesterday using copper sulphate solution. But even taking as much care as I did, I still ended up with a blue stain under my nails. Not unexpected, but still something to have to deal with. Similar to my whole day.

Words were said and heard. Questions and answers. Statements. To me, to others. The impact was strong. Very strong.

But quiet moonlit reflection reminded me. For every one that says none, there are three others that can be named that would name me. For every no, at least three yeses, for every rejection three who will accept. And the sum of that has to at least balance the sum of the other, even with the lousy mathematics I often employ.

I kept those words for a reason. This is the reason. So to do as it says is difficult to say the least. But necessary.

Shut down

It is strange to be here. I am not sure just where I am at the moment. This was the place that was more to be me, but I am not sure who that is, where that is, right now.

A lot has been happening. Games have been played. Supposedly to stir up issues that I thought needed to be stirred. Dangerous ones, to be sure, as any games are where people's emotions are being dealt with.

But as usual there are deeper things. Have they remained where they should? I have no idea. And I feel beyond caring. So I slam the lid down hard and try and ignore what is trying to surface. I like logic and purpose. That is neither.

I laminated last weekend's star signs today. Not that I go for those sort of things, but this one just demanded my attention. For it put into print things that I have been trying to drill into myself for a long time now. Unfortunately there are times where I forget the truth of the world, when I want to forget. So to have a little card on me to be read at every free moment may just provide the reminder I need.

It all has to sink in sometime, doesn't it? That is the only hope there is.