Annwn

careful of wishes

2007-02-26T21:32:00.000+10:30

They tell you to be careful of what you wish for. Well, I have been catching up on some reading, here and elsewhere, and see I asked to know what the matter with me was. Well, I found out. But it was supposed to be some simple medical problem, as if I would do anything simple. Unfortunatly for those who love and care for me there is nothing simple about a brain tumour. I mean, I have it easy. I just sit back and do as I am told. It is others who worry about loss if that is to be the way of it. Which will not be if prayer is granted. Yet I am amazed. First in the care shown by total strangers, which blows me away. Then I knew I has a huge support network, people who cared for me, but I am surprised how deep that care is, how many love me, who I can and cannot go to. As for those rare few who would rather me elsewhere, I plan to disappoint and be around a long while yet as there are still too many answers to find. Like what will my babies be? What's the new car like to drive? Am I publishable?The book is in for a literary comp but still another month to find out how it went. So I plan to stuff all fluff and nonscense which has taken up too much of my time, in rightfull places.

Change of pace

2006-11-24T18:39:00.000+10:30

This has not been one of my better fortnights, and I still do not know how I am going to come out at the end. Come out of it I will, that is the nature of things, just what damage will or can be repaired remains to be seen. Real problem there is that you have to know what the problem is.

Anyway have had one answer. Had a bank of blood tests done to try and work out what is the physical matter with me, to all come back "normal." Relief in one way I suppose, will just have to wait and see what the nice doctor suggests next time. But it would be nice to have reason.

As for the rest? Well my best friend has effectively told me to go and piss off. Backed up with the ignoring of messages and hanging up of phone. Which makes it a tad difficult to try and work out why and how to repair and if there is point in trying to push either issue.
I mean, I do not want to just walk away here, I have a hell of a lot invested and have invested a hell of a lot into this relationship to just be expected to go without at least knowing reason why.
But it is not as if I have a lot of say here, obviously. But the not so subtle approach to let them know how I may feel does not seem to be working, so I may not have any choice.

Which angers and saddens me. But gives me answer to another question. Fairly obvious my standing and importance and how could I be accused of being wrong when I said I was not cared about?

At least my fluffy fur ball loves me. Need to get well to get morning walking again. And just a few short weeks and it will all be over for anther year.

So on the whole, things have been better, but could be worse. Just need to work for the former and to avoid the later.

Refreshed

2006-10-09T19:44:00.000+09:30

This is the second week back for this term, and I have to say that I am still feeling quite good and positive. Not that the break had a lot of refreshment in it, too much negativity and self destruction happening around me for that. But getting back to work has let a few problems be aired, a few more personal steps allowed to have been taken, a couple of admissions/concessions made, and a seeming lessening of the obsession, which has made the internal feeling a lot more positive.

Add in the massage course that I have done which actually gives me a legit reason to touch others, and actually have volunteers to help me with my homework, and my tactile needs are being met in a really fulfilling way. Then also a lot of positive comments have been made regarding the shift from 18 to 14, new clothes help there. And when our new dog comes and joins the family in a couple of days, giving me something else to pour love and affection onto, then things are going to be great.

So, even given the frustration of what others are doing around me, the feeling of not being able to help, the negative self-destruct that seems to be happening at the moment, I am still good.

And I am going to work at staying that way. I cannot be responsible or help those that do not want to help themselves, but I can be good for me. Firstly by trying to take the last statement to heart. And if anyone doesnt like it, there are plenty of short piers for them to take long walks from.

Change

2006-09-24T21:16:00.000+09:30

It is going to be interesting to see just how much of a change will take place, just how permanent they will be. Got through a whole weekend with only one early contact message sent. No reply and none expected. Even more pleasing is that there has been no overwhelming need to do any more.

Of course there is the expectation of contact tomorrow. But no need for contact beyond minimal, though trouble was created when trying for optimal minimisation, so maybe a case of not total shut down.

After that? Probably a full week before any other contact. And for the first time in recent history, there is no real dread accompanying that thought.

Change indeed.

And there is one of two reasons likely for that. Conflicting in their value, it is just a case of which one is most effective, which one is the overriding factor. Which is true and which is not. For it would be strange for them to complement each other.

I am cared about.
There is no joy, no pleasure or happiness to be had at work or play, which is where I am in my friend's life.

Brick walls

2006-08-31T18:19:00.000+09:30

There are days when I believe slamming myself repeatedly against a brick wall would be of more use. This past little while have just been a run of such days. At least then the only damage would be to myself and physical pain is a lot easier to deal with. Bandage, panadol and wash the blood off the stone. Simple stuff.

Nothing I have touched lately has done any good. Nothing. The only thing I have successfully managed to do is fail. Completely.

I make assumptions, do stupid things to try and qualify, try and find out where I am wrong and keep hitting dead ends. I make steps to try and clear issues, to then find myself drowning in mud. I reach; to cause hurt, confusion, rejection, anger and frustration in others. I burn and am burnt.

With a friend like me, who needs enemies?

1 no, 1 reject

2006-08-11T07:29:00.000+09:30

It is amazing how productive and destructive the wee small hours have on the thinking process.

This week has been different, to put it mildly. Highlighted this morning by blue fingernails.

I did a science prac yesterday using copper sulphate solution. But even taking as much care as I did, I still ended up with a blue stain under my nails. Not unexpected, but still something to have to deal with. Similar to my whole day.

Words were said and heard. Questions and answers. Statements. To me, to others. The impact was strong. Very strong.

But quiet moonlit reflection reminded me. For every one that says none, there are three others that can be named that would name me. For every no, at least three yeses, for every rejection three who will accept. And the sum of that has to at least balance the sum of the other, even with the lousy mathematics I often employ.

I kept those words for a reason. This is the reason. So to do as it says is difficult to say the least. But necessary.

Shut down

2006-08-10T20:28:00.000+09:30

It is strange to be here. I am not sure just where I am at the moment. This was the place that was more to be me, but I am not sure who that is, where that is, right now.

A lot has been happening. Games have been played. Supposedly to stir up issues that I thought needed to be stirred. Dangerous ones, to be sure, as any games are where people's emotions are being dealt with.

But as usual there are deeper things. Have they remained where they should? I have no idea. And I feel beyond caring. So I slam the lid down hard and try and ignore what is trying to surface. I like logic and purpose. That is neither.

I laminated last weekend's star signs today. Not that I go for those sort of things, but this one just demanded my attention. For it put into print things that I have been trying to drill into myself for a long time now. Unfortunately there are times where I forget the truth of the world, when I want to forget. So to have a little card on me to be read at every free moment may just provide the reminder I need.

It all has to sink in sometime, doesn't it? That is the only hope there is.

Actions vs words

2006-07-04T19:59:00.000+09:30

Actions do speak louder than words. This last week has shown me the truth of that.

I just need the words to confirm. I expect I will be told I am over reacting and have got it all wrong again, but if so, I will know it for lie. There must be a basis for the action.

It has been an interesting week. Avoidance, rejection, stress causing, cancellation, general aggrivation. Culminating in Sunday.

My friend made a commitment to the most important decision of his life, he asked his she to become his wife. Now I knew this was coming, it was just a case of when. He also told me he planned to let me know beforehand. Not that I expected him to actually say anything to me prior the deed. But I did think that I would have been told.

They and friends came around on Sunday. I found out that he asked on Saturday, others were told, these friends were told. How did I find out? The other girl told me to look at the ring on hand when she finally could not cope with the fact that no one was telling me.

I do not expect to be told of every step in the lives of others. But I would have thought I would have been given at least one word. But no. Not one single word said then or since. From he. She? A few words after, even giving me some credit for it happening. Which is nice. But am I really that scary? I do not think so, for I now believe they invited themselves around so I could be told. So why was I not?

This wound runs deep. I joke, get sympathy and understanding from others but I still hurt.

I have asked for a while as to what my place is. As blind as I am, even I can no longer deny that I have now been shown.

Loss

2006-06-29T09:40:00.000+09:30

We buried our dog yesterday. After being a family member for 17 years, it was not an unexpected thing to do. Though the way of her passing was.

She was a little dog. And something got into our yard and tore her chest. Broke four ribs and did untold damage. It seemed best to put her out of her pain. And that was without being half blind and arthritic. She is in a warmer and nicer place now.

Just the perfect icing to a day that had so much expected of it. Suffice to say that what is one expected to think when they are told a few days ago that no excuse is needed to visit, but when there is reason, excuse and location almost half way there to start with, one is given strong indication their presence is not wanted.

Ah well. I have often said that I needed hard lessons. Cannot complain then when they are given.

Correct

2006-06-15T15:28:00.000+09:30

I hate proving myself correct.

Generally I am quite optomistic in nature. I see little benefit in being otherwise. But I also play it safe, expecting the worst senario for any outcome, particularly if it is about something I want. The theory is that I can not be disappointed if it comes true and I can be pleased then with anything more positive than the worst.

More often than not it is the latter that is true. Today? Well, I suppose it could have been worse.

I predicted that I could only go downhill from my start to the day. Tick one. As for the other ticks? Noted and shoulders shrugged. Did I not expect this?

I do not like reviewing mistakes, little point in it. But it is times like this that I really wish that I had got that job. I do not know what my life would have been like, but it would have to be better than this. I hate the mood shifts on flimsy actions, the questing, the unknown, the imagining, the inability to shaft the whole damned lot, put it all in its place and move on. I am seriously starting to believe that I need to do so physically to give myself the boost mentally.

Long break coming. For the first time in an awful long time, a complete break from all things. It will be strange. I hope some good comes of it. But in my mood, my imagining is going to come up with all sorts of reasons as to why I have been sent away. I hope none of them turn out to be correct.

Ups and downs

2006-06-07T10:16:00.000+09:30

I have found that it is difficult to pull myself up from the depths. It takes concentrated effort but for the time being, I have found that I can gain some success. Necessary for the well being and sanity of not only myself, but for those around me.

But now I find I have to pull myself down from the heights. Things are too good at the moment, far too good. It cannot possibly last. I would have this be what I can keep expecting, I like it here.

But it is far to fall. And the landing hurts.

State of health

2006-06-06T07:17:00.000+09:30

I have a couple of female friends who are not well at the moment. One has been so for a while, the other has a good prognosis for recovery. Medical science has come a long way, I know, but there are still some things that are beyond the scope of human intervention. And understanding.

The problem with my friends is that there is nothing physically wrong with them. No parts broken or worn out. Both intelligent women with loving husbands and children, work they enjoy, no financial hardship, a good network of support. Yet that does not prevent serious illness invading.

The trouble with mental problems is that variety is so large, treatment so varied, time frames so erratic that people do no know how to react. And often the worst is that the person involved cannot see the problem.

Break a bone, it hurts. Set and plaster and usually 6 weeks later it is better. My friend could not understand why her husband turned against her. He felt that her words were true though they were not. It was fortunate for him that the doctor made the decision for him.

I ask what I should do only because I do not know what will help or hinder. Do I act as if nothing is wrong, treat them differently, more assertively, more gently?

I know I have my problems. I can feel them when they happen, and at the moment can do something about it. Herbal remedies, busy mental work, lots of tears can often get me through. Though the long nights where I wonder how to resign or seek professional help do not help. I have loving care and a good network but I am scared that it is not enough.

My comfort is that if I finally go, I will not care. Like death, I have no fear of the end result. It is the going that holds the terror.

Caution, danger ahead.

2006-05-31T15:06:00.000+09:30

Well, well, the world can still provide surprises.

Had one of those days today. Full on, not much time, but still time to talk to distant friends. Had enough of arrogant little beings, spent a fair amount of time giving back rather than just taking abuse from students. I like showing anger without getting angry. Was asked if I felt better for it and I have to say, I do. Just get chocolate, coffee, maybe a wine and curl up on the couch tonight and the day will actually have been quite good.

Interesting too, other developments. I made a move the other day, got shown the false basis of my assumptions. Have spent time learning the truth of that, a surprisingly small amount of hours. Must be all previous lessons impacting finally. Then a bolt out of the blue.

To say I am surprised is an understatement. What to do though? Funny, in the past I would have spent more time than this here wondering, analysing, thinking of suitable reponse. Now? Well, I doubt the truth and think even less of purpose, so I guess I just assume the aberation is just a strange freak and then wait for things and see if they show the usual. To quietly speak here seems a safer, less personally humiliating option than making any more direct response. And if not a single event? I will deal with that then.

Ah, wary caution? This is indeed new for me.

Easier with practice

2006-05-22T14:49:00.000+09:30

Busy times, meetings, days off, all these work well and soon you have found that a week has gone by without the usual pit falls. Well, there was the one brief glitch, but it was only that. Soon forgotten and the only problem is that there is no retraction available with that form of communication.

Look here now, spend some time finishing off the day, then by the time I make my way back for any possible socialising, the party will have gone. For with them leaving early, arriving late, that goes a long way to helping me work through my problems. And though I cannot claim to be cured, remission is certainly holding its own.

Truant

2006-05-17T08:19:00.000+09:30

I had a friend ask me if I was still part time teaching. Just went to prove how much contact I had lost with her. I see her almost every week, but it has been a long time since we sat down and had a chat. A very long time, obviously. It has been two years since I had days off.

Anyway, she asked me if I wanted to go shopping, today. Hard decision, not. A 6 on day after standing all day for a sports event, double year 8's? A lazy day, I hope. And I do not feel guilty in the slightest.

Things have changed, I hope. To actually take time away from work, voluntarily, is something new for recent times. Along the lines of contemplating a shift away, I guess. Mind, I could not get away without the obligatory contact. Email sent but I plan to be good elsewhere.

It helps to focus on the reality. After all, the negative is much more in evident than any positive.

picture perfect

2006-04-30T21:31:00.000+09:30

Yes, I know. But one seems to be limited with the size of the picture one can use. My first preference is this lovely purple as you can actually see there is a bee, but file size is too big. As for the yellow, well, there are all sorts of comments to that, though I do like it better than the one I have ended up with. Oh well, we shall see. Maybe I can find someone more knowledgeable than myself who might be able to get purple saved on much smaller file size. Otherwise I will await further opinion on whether I change to the other.

Excuses

2006-04-26T20:03:00.000+09:30

One I know was making comment on the blindsiding ability of being female. As we all know, hormones have the amazing ability to take you on a rollercoaster emotional ride. And that is without the influence of those that claim to be near and dear to us. Add in their problems, the stress of the work place, the craziness of the world and sanity is often hard to find.

Then, of course, there is the 'shooting yourself in the foot' ability. What you bring upon yourself.

Had an interesting discussion on that ability the other day. I had been bemoaning some of my perceived stupid actions of recent times and was wondering just what sort of masochistic insane tendancies I was showing and how disappointed in myself I was. Just how could I do that? Supposedly a rhetorical question for previous posts. But the person I was talking with, fortunately still a good friend despite all, did point out something.

Excuses. Getting drunk provides a ready made one. I could bemoan that I said certain things that I never meant to say, but they have now been said. Over and done with. I no longer have to concern myself with agonising about how, if, when, whatever... it is done. Did I set out to do that deliberately? Not consciously, so I really need to work out what my subconscious is up to. And why. Results? Some interesting changes of perpective as far as I am concerned, more of that later.

Mind, there was another interesting occassion when I was accused and told that I could not use alcohol as an excuse. Interesting in the fact that I was quite sober, in that I was not that drunk and I knew exactly what I was doing. And why. Got some unexpected reactions, interesting in themselves, some of which I am still trying to work out.

This is really one different journey.

Bubble

2006-04-21T17:13:00.000+09:30

Things are good today. My mood has decidedly improved, things are on a level that I would wish them to be. Company is sort out and allowed, talk is general and specific, relationships are quite positive all around. This is what I would have. I am pleased that contact is still acceptable even though the need is no longer there.

I hope that this is what I can expect. I pray that the bubble does not burst. I also know the fragility of both hope and bubbles. But it is not up to me as to whether the bubble turns into something more permanent. Still, I will enjoy the refraction while it lasts.

Play that funky music.

2006-04-19T15:16:00.000+09:30

I had to walk out on a group of students today. A group of year 12's who had come in on their study day to work on a production they were doing. And as I teach them normally, they said, come in and hear what we are doing. We have some talented kids here. I came in part way through, listened for a minute. And had to get out of there fast. Not quite "killing me softly" but I did not want to hear anymore. Saw them later in the afternoon and heard the thing properly. Helps when you are not ambushed. I am looking forward to seeing this performed.

Just goes to show the mood I am in. Must be obvious too. Have had a few people stop and ask as to how I was and actually want to spend time finding out, rather than believe the automatic "fine". As I said, funk is the reason I do not get involved in productions anymore.

Failure

2006-04-18T12:52:00.000+09:30

I suppose the only good thing about considering yourself a total failure, is that there is only one way to go. Things could get worse, I know, but that would take the failure away from just me and really start making a disaster of things.
Ok, so lets put down an inventory as to just how bad a job I have done this last little while, and maybe, just maybe, if things get better, I can keep a track on that.

Failed; myself. Should have remembered the reason for a one limit share on wine. Said some things I had no intention of ever saying. It is bad enough to lose ground in a tactical retreat, with the plan to gain some other advantage elsewhere, but to just surrender without any point whatsoever? Insanity, to put it mildly. Could use another few adjectives, but what can be gained by that? Just try and find some other way of rebuilding my shattered opinion of myself.

Failed; my partner. Just how much patience can one man have? About time I stopped saying that I appreciate what he is to me and does for me, and actually do some things to show it, instead of just abusing his love for me. Else I am going to find that the boundaries are not all that far away and not all that secure.

Failed; a friend. They came to me battered and bruised to find a bit of peace and security. Instead got questions that cut and had stuff dumped on them that should never have been dumped. There is little peace to be had in the words that things were not said that were not known, it does not escape the fact that I had no right. What part of selfish egotism ever gave me thought that I could ever abuse another like that?

So there it is. Put in words to give myself reminder. I feel that I am a very poor excuse for a concerned human being at the moment. Just how thick a skin and skull must I have as these lessons just will not sink in!

I had better learn. Before I do some real damage. Not to myself, for that would only be deserving. But to those I do care about. Now that would be unforgivable.

Just when it was thought...

2006-04-04T08:46:00.000+09:30

....that it was safe to go back into the water, something comes along to bite you in the bum.

I came into this term with some degree of quiet expectation. I was looking forward to my classes, the timetable had gone well, I had a real break, and I had found calm. I was going to be all right.

How wrong I was. I found out the hard way just how I take the news that my role has been reassigned. I am still reeling from the shock of just how I took that. End of week one.

Yesterday. Monday week two. I find out from someone who I wanted to value me, just what their opinion of me is. No questions, no asking for justification or explaination, just attack. As for the reasons why? You do not go stabbing in the dark without intending to draw blood. Or hurt.

So I now have confirmation. Almost had my nose rubbed in it, but by luck was spared that. The question now is, how do I prepare for what might come next? In this case any killing stroke is going to be neither pleasant nor swift.

I might just take next week off.

Advantage server

2006-04-02T12:27:00.000+09:30

It is amazing how often something perceived as negative, actually turns out to be a positive in hindsight.

Over twelve months ago I conceeded a point. Not that I have any doubt that it will not be used against me, but it still was not nice to know that I was at a disadbvantage. I have enough going against myself personally, without someone else having the upper hand. I have played enough dangerous games to know the disadvantage of being behind.

It took me till the end of the year to manage to break even. Their loss of point. Metal meeting metal and the following request made it one all. I could feel that I now had some gain of control.

Now I think that there has arisen a situation that I can claim as another point given. The very thing that has given me grief in the last post is the very thing that has given me minor advantage. Not a specific incident, as in the case of the other two, but a point regardless. For if ever played the fall out would be.... interesting to say the least. Not that I would play the point. But my imagination can have a field day with this. And it feels good!

So I will sit back and watch with interest this turn of events. Turn the negative into a positive with the knowledge that the advantage is now mine. Dangerous games, I know, but the sense of being back in control is somewhat enpowering. I have no intention of ever conceeding ground again.

Grow up!

2006-03-30T13:05:00.000+10:30

Dear God, just what is it going to take for me to grow up? I cannot believe just how really really bad I am feeling at the moment. Anger at my feelings, at how immature I am reacting. Certainly I can identify my emotions, and they sicken me. I have no right, but that does not stop them happening.

Please let it not affect at least one side of the equation. As for the other? If I needed confirmation, and I did not think that I did, well, I certainly have had it now.

Strange

2006-03-28T19:02:00.000+10:30

The world is a strange place. Where the laws of physics work their magic, for every action there is a reaction, and the like. Yet games dance their own magic. Often I wonder what the hell I am playing at. Push the boundaries to get a reaction. Often not quite what I expect, but any reaction is better than none, is that not what the psychologists would say? But I say a lot, and get nothing that I did not expect, more the pity.

I feel old. Past my use by date. A logical reaction to rejection I guess, but I am not in the mood for logic. It is of some large comfort that condolensces are given, with the add on that they are glad that I did not succeed. From most that is.

From one? They said that they were sorry about my news. Interesting my reaction to that. I would like to think that they were sorry that I did not achieve what I would have liked. Realistically, I should think that they are sorry that they are stuck in this situation. Not very gratious of me, I know, but given recent history, the safest option. How can I be disappointed then?

Disappointment? God knows that the biggest disappointment to me..... is me.

Change

2006-03-22T14:00:00.000+10:30

I was musing on telling someone a story, but I decided to put it here instead. Probably because I dont feel that I should send it to them, but they might stumble across it here.

I have a friend. Yes, for those that know me, it surprised me how many I do have. Anyway, this friend had a problem. She was in a relationship that went sour. Not her choice by the way, if relevant anyway. So, as girls do, we talked over copious amounts of chocolate and wine, over time. Yes, she talked to him about it, asked what was wrong, what had she done wrong, sooked, sulked, got angry, cried, lost sleep, you know all the senarios. She wanted things back the way they were, he was not interested, there was only reaction. Too many other problems to deal with.

And sure, I gave all the advice. Leave it be, time will heal, you still have a choice, cut and run. But you can be as logical as a full blood Vulcan and it makes not one blind bit of difference as far as matters of the heart are concerned.

Months passed. She began to accept that things were as they were. Sure, there were relapses, need for chocolate and alcohol, but I saw her less for these. Then one day she rang. The war was over, she had surrendered. Metaphorically of course. She had pushed the boundaries trying to get a reaction. And a reaction was got. But she surprised me. First, that there was sadness and resignation, but that was all. Second, that she was looking to change her job, on my advice.

Now I don't recall ever saying to pick up and leave. I would have thought there were too many plusses at her work and only the one problem, but it seemed the advice was indirect. For I had told her that I once had an email address that only a tiny number of people used. Started off fine, communication good, but that all dried up. It got to the stage where I knew I was going to be disappointed if I checked, I checked, and became annoyed because I was disappointed. Solution? Get rid of the site. Problem solved. I took control and created the situation where I could no longer be aggrieved.
So this is what she decided. If she was going to be stressed while working with this person and not being able to enjoy the relationship she had, then if she left, she couldn't be upset when ignored. She was also pleased to find that she could. Last year she would not even have contemplated such. Though that is another point of coincidence. I thought I was the only one looking for a change of scenery. It is often a surprise how these things work.

The point here? Change was sort. She wanted him to change, but all she did was upset herself and everyone else. So she made her own change. Not to change him, she realised that was not going to happen, but to change the situation, get herself out of the equation.
And, of course, the unexpected happened. She found her workmates did not want her to leave, big ego boost. He began to speak to her again.

No fairy tale ending here. She does not know if she will get the chance to change her job, but I think she will still go if given the chance. There is some repair happening, though there was one slipup, she said that she made the mistake of assuming that things went right back to what they were. Silly girl, but she got through that quickly. No more assumptions, she told me. She can take what little is offered. But she can also leave it.

Moral. If you want change, you have to make it. But take care. It may not be quite what you expected. Life has a funny habit of doing that to you.

Many splendored thing?

2006-03-21T16:50:00.000+10:30

What is love? Always a good question as we all seem to constantly fall into it, occassionally fall out of it, always confuse it with lust and generally give outselves amazing angst regarding it. It drives our being, consumes our lives, drives us crazy with its demands, its uncertainties and always we willingly embrace it. Obsession or addiction? We cannot live with it but we would not live without it.

I have been in love three times. Not bad for five decades. I am still madly, passionately in love with my first love, and I am so glad to be able to say that. He gives me joy, passion, friendship, understanding, tolerance, but most of all, love. To be loved, and know that, must be one of the greatest joys. I know it is for me.
Early there was another. A friend who I began to wonder if there was more in it than just friendship. In the quest to find out I did a lot of hurt, though not to myself. I have always managed to come out unscathed in my searches, though it might have hurt a bit at the time. Scarred, yes, one does not do that sort of thing without some reminders. Fortunately I chose correctly, was able to walk away from that without any known effects.
But history can repeat. Fortunately for me circumstance made things easy, though I can only say that now. Was it because it was safe, that I allowed it to happen? Though allowed is such a strange word. Just how much choice to we have in how we feel about others? When we start to care, just how can we stop? For we only realise this when it is too late.
But care I do and will continue to do so. For as long as I am allowed. After that?

Holiday time

2006-03-16T11:00:00.000+10:30

Talk about a short term! Mind, I am not complaining about the break, too many changes happening to not need the lack of class preparation. My baby is having a significant birthday, there are so many birthdays this month, I hope I do not forget any, and I am broke. Not really, but it seems that way.

Anyway, could not focus on classes last day as off for inteview. I am still gushing, but, who knows? Second round panel starts next week, I will see what happens then. I did not expect to get to this stage, so I do not really expect to go further, but it will be disappointing anyway.
And it is funny. Dont normally get contact from my workmates, but already had a couple of "and how is the break? enjoying yourself? coming back?" type of thing. I really did not know that so many cared. I know I told a few, for I hate it myself when part of the furniture is not there when you get back and you had no idea they were going, but still the reaction surprises.
It is not as if I cannot be replaced, but it is a good feeling that I will be missed.

And as for my dearest enemy? Who knows. He is talking to me, for the first time since that joyous Dec day. I am curious about reasons why, but am not likely to find out, even with the asking. And you know something good here? I really believe I do not care.

Author! Author!

2006-03-08T08:48:00.000+10:30

It is amazing how once the ball starts rolling, other things happen. Finally got off my butt and put some Fanfiction on. Just the start, I have a lot more to go on, but I am not sure if the chapters have to be sequentially added, and there are still a few gaps in between, so it is a work in progress.
But I have published some writing! Albeit someone elses characters, only divergent from the story line and in a general mix. I mean, there were over 400 pages of authors whose pen name begins with L!
So if you are an Anne McCaffrey, dragon riders of Pern PC game fan, I would welcome your comment.

Seventh Pass Green by Lilybee

Next stage

2006-03-06T21:03:00.000+10:30

It is kind of exciting. Got a phone call today to set up for an interview for the job I applied for. So I got through to the next stage! It is a little bit scary. That there may be a possibility of a change of direction. One part of me hopes that I do not have to make the decision, another wants to go.

Have started to let a few people know, so that it does not come as a shock. I mean, I have been around long enough to actually be considered part of the furniture. And it is nice to get the reaction I have been getting from most.

I also wonder if I should also say goodbye to one. I mean, if I follow through with my 'worst case senario' preparation, I might not see them again after this week. Except for the obligatory social events, until that dies its death. For if the friendship cannot be maintained with almost daily contact, I do not expect any effort to be made to keep in touch when there is definitely no obligation to do so. But then, what would be the point? Just another message ignored. Best to just walk away and hope, at least with the rational part of me, that I do not have to go back.

End of days

2006-03-01T15:25:00.000+10:30

Well, that, as they say in the classics, is that. I pushed the boundaries all right, to get a reaction. Not surprisingly, I have found that I have gone too far. The war is over. Time to find a quiet shell to retreat fully and permanently into.
Hey, dont get me wrong, there is nothing here that I did not expect. I was fighting a losing battle. I just know it now and.... it hurts.

I did it.

2006-02-22T20:32:00.000+10:30

I actually did it. I heard of a job outside of what I am doing and applied for it. For the first time in my life I went for a job and there was no need for me to do so. Well, no employment need.

But it was kind of exciting all the same. As soon as I pressed the send button, I had to go and tell some. Till then, there was only the two outside of family who knew, those I asked to referee. Even that in itself was a boost to the ego. To be wished luck and the hope that I was not going to be offered the chance. It is nice for my fragile ego to know that there are some who want me around.

And there is no pressure here. In fact, it would be less pressure to not even get to the interview stage, but still... It sounds good and something I would like to be involved in. Publishing and marketing Maths text books with car, petrol, PC, phone and blackberry ( and I have actually seen one of those, mobile phone palm pilot is the closest I would say without actually knowing how they work) in a Southbank office? Far too good to ever be my reality.

Sure I have no desire to leave where I am, but it is a relief to find that I am willing to consider it. Six months ago and it would not have been an option. Now I would like to think that this is an opportunity for me to go, and I would hope that He has more plans for me than just the realisation that I can move on. I would miss my friends, one in particular, but it is kind of sobering to know that I would not be missed by that very one. Could almost imagine the relief actually. Toleration for the sake of friendship and pity? It is time I got back enough self respect to know that I no longer need that. Great theory. I hope I get the chance to see if I can actually go through with it.

Changed expectations

2006-02-14T18:40:00.000+10:30

I am discovering that it does take time. For things that you know to be true to work through. You may say that you can accept things, believe what you say, but to get to the stage where you can live them? That is where the difficulties lie. I hope that this is the stage I have made it to. Where I understand where things are and know them to be true. I no longer need to rant as to anothers uncaring, for I can see that they never cared in the first place, so why get upset in the last? There is little point in asking for something that was never on offer. Rose coloured, pipe dream, fantasy, call it what you will.. there are aspects of imagination that have no place in the world I live in and the sooner I seep myself in that totally, the happier I will be. Play time was over a long while ago, it is now up to me to put the toys away for good, throw out with the rest of the trash. Now I just need this state to stop slipping back into old expectations. Though I can be thankful that they are becoming fewer and further between. And that it is easier to deal with the actions that used to disappoint, as I now get more of what I expect.

When enough.

2006-02-03T07:53:00.000+10:30

I saw several movies over the break and, as always, some more memorable than others. But I heard a line in one that makes me think that I have to go back and memorise the rest of the passage. Or at least see if it is mentioned in the book. But it really struck home. Something along the lines of "the heart takes a long time to die. Bit by bit hope disappears until there is none left."
So there is hope then that this may find an end, even if it is taking so much longer than I need. I had thought that I had been doing so well, but it may have only been the expectation of treading water until the return to work. That though has proved an interesting exercise in itself.
Sweet Jesu, give me strength.

Good news

2006-01-21T08:30:00.000+10:30

You know, there are just times when you do something that turns out to be right. Not often for me, but this was good.
Eighteen months ago I was finally able to play a game that I had bought 12 months prior, in the hope that laptop upgrade would let me play. Now I am not a game player, beyond solitare and chinese tiles, so this was a big thing for me. And I actually got through it, with help from walkthroughs to get through major bugs. Absolutely loved it, but then I am a huge Pern fan, and having found Fanfiction via my daughter, I did some writing. Only to be sorely dissapointed with a block from the author.
Back to the point. Just out of the blue the other week I happened to check on the site. And lo and behold the author has relented and fanfiction is starting to appear! So, over the last week I have dusted off my old work, started a new game as the laptop lost it all when it had to be rebooted, and have written another dozen or so pages. Which is great news for me! For I have had a major writing block since I did the original back in 04. So as soon as I get word on this computer or get back to work and can get internet access for my laptop, then I will publish. And it feels good to be able to plan for that.
Which is just what I needed at this time.

Birthday

2006-01-07T18:36:00.000+10:30

I find it difficult to get into the mindset of talking today, there has been too much in my life that has caused me angst this last month, to be objective about it, but given the day I guess it would be wrong to let it pass without comment.

Today is an anniversary of my birth. And I enter a year of a significant zero. Though it has been an interesting day. Family fully supportive but the usual occurs elsewhere. Far too close to Christmas and New Year for people to remember and when they come back from holidays, the day is well and truly over. Normally this is something that does not bother me, I dont like gearing up to organise my own celebration, but for some reason it is different this time. With the ease of phone and computer messaging it is a little let down to only have one message from outside and just the couple who spent the afternoon with us, and they do not qualify as the "inner circle" of friends. Yet.

But I guess it is still reaction to the way the year ended. Not one of my best, in fact, I would go as far as to say that it would have had to be one of my worst. I dont think I have ever been so angry and upset with a situation or person before in my life. And having lived so long already, that is a pretty bold statement. Some relief found in venting frustration to girlfriends who were happy enough to lend a supportive ear, but with no resolution, the problem is still festering. I hate the whole damnable business at the moment but cannot see what I can do about it. I want to just let it go and get on, but I do not know how. It keeps on coming back to undermine my attempt at peace no matter how often I put it aside.

Ah well. Nothing for it but to just keep on trying. It is not as if the person involved cares about it, they tell me they have their own problems to deal with. But do they have to do it in such a way as to have such a detrimental effect on me? As they say. With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Anyway, not a nice way to spend this day, though there is a little relief here. I will go and make use of my present my beloved organised, some beautiful wine glasses and some very nice wine picked up on todays winery visits to put into one. Take away for tea, I will not cook tonight (not that I do much on the holidays, G Y O is the order of the day and some attention and my mood has no chance but to improve. Happy Birthday to me.

Year End

2005-12-30T20:53:00.000+10:30

The night before the last day of this year. Time for quiet reflection as tomorrow will be another hot busy day. To celebrate an arbitary end to an arbitary time scale. Still, it does give a point for a begining and an ending and is just as good as any other to find that another Sol rotation has been accomplished.

Well, it has been an interesting year. Generally, I suppose nothing remarkable. Personally? Well, I can truthfully say that I have never had one like it before. And given the way I feel at the moment, I pray to God that I never have one like it again.

I have inflicted hurt, I would hope not as much as I have been hurt. I have rediscovered strength and love and loyalty where it has always been and been strengthened by that. Taken refuge by curling up in that safety when I have made mistakes and used it to stop the bleeding. For though the damage could be said to be self inflicted, it is of no comfort to be offered a token bandaid when more serious dressing attention is required. Ah well, at least it is one way of coping with the problem. Focus on the injury and then other things are easier to deal with. At least the anger is now only disappointment. More at myself for being such a damnable idiot. I will overemphasise my importance.

Anyway, time for the obligitory resolutions. Get healthy. Aim for that commitment made to my mother. Remember exactly what my postion is in the scheme of things, who I am important to and give to those, stop wasting time and energy where it is not wanted. Commit to my reality as there is more than enough to keep me busy there, especially at work. Pick up the pencil again and work on my fantasy world where it is, not where I would it be.

And the year will be remembered for? Wine, coffee, roses, thorns, anger, limbo, hurt, curves, tangents, spirals, fruit, knives, questions, silence, friendship, disappointment and loss, so much loss. But fortunately for me, above and beyond all that, love.

Two days and counting

2005-12-19T22:16:00.000+10:30

I always find it strange this time of year. Just when others are winding down and getting into party mode, that is when things start gearing up for me. The nature of the job and it is no different this year than any of the past 5. Except when there is uncertainly with almost a quarter of the staff being replaced and it is difficult to work the jigsaw when not only the picture keeps changing but the sizes of the pieces do too. Add to that too much socialising and most people just being plain aggravating with too little sympathy and too much angst ability and it is any wonder that I am snappy, bitchy and just not nice to be around. So it is most annoying that one almost lets on the tears when someone unexpected just puts an arm around and notices that you have had a really shitty day. And most thankful that someone does notice without being told. Still, I hate letting on that things are getting to me like that.
And I am so pissed off with people that cannot be bothered talking in any form for 72 hours and then wonder why you do not feel in the mood to give 30 seconds, or even 2 minutes just when you are walking out the door after being with them the whole day. Now that is one thing I would love explained to me. Another time.
Day after tomorrow. And then there will be no excuse to have to be aggrivated. After all, if I get silence under these circumstances, I really do not expect to hear anything for the full 6 weeks coming. Thank goodness there will be work to keep me occupied. And friends that can be relied upon. For all manner of situations.

Sounds of silence

2005-12-13T20:03:00.000+10:30

As it seems that all other options for blowing off pressure have been negated, looks like I am left to return here. Yet I also find it annoying that when another asks to be excused for short sharp behaviour when under stress, that the same considerations do not seem to apply in reciprocation. I am attacked on a personal level, raise questions in defence and then get silence as a reply. I am attacked on a professional level and find it inappropriate to spout off in frustration. Even my own office is no longer my own haven, it has been indicated on more than one occassion that I either leave or modify my behaviour. Then too, when I make a total arse of myself and seek ways of working out damage control, I am told to leave it be and move on.

So what am I supposed to do! Call it quits and just piss off? Tried that a couple of times to be told that it is I who is over reacting and I should just tolerate the pressure that they are under. Stress does strange things to people. As if I didnt know. Fine, if they could justify that they are under any more pressure than the rest of us, myself included.

Do not give me silence when I raise questions about the form of attack I am expected to counter. I should be better known than to just have me sit back and accept any of that.

Am I being told to move on physically, not just metaphorically? I find it strange, my confusion. I would like to think that it is just Michael replaced by Smenkhare and it is a question of he will not have me close, but does not want to let me go. I could only hope. Probably in vain.

But I really wish that I would be told to just go away if that is what is wanted. For if things keep on this way, that is definitely going to be the result. For what pupose? I will be held to blame for the situation that they have caused? They will maintain the then justifiable innocence? If there is concern about my expected reaction, again fine, just tell me. If I am becoming scary, again, let me know, for under the circumstances what else can I be expected to do? Any educator will tell you that any reaction is preferable to no reaction at all. But I hate being expected to be a damnable mind reader! Almost as much as I hate the silence.

Anyway, only seven days to have to deal with the confusion and uncertainty. Then there is six long weeks in which there will be no contact and I will have the time to try and build the ice, find the peace and learn how to breathe again.

Questing answers

2005-11-29T14:36:00.000+10:30

On second thoughts, this is not appropriate and so has left.

Change of pace

2005-11-11T23:36:00.000+10:30

It is strange, I find how little it takes to change an outlook. Nothing has changed overall, but the difference in sitting here now and putting words down as compared to when I tried to do this yesterday is amazing. And what did it take? Just the freedom of being able to do something that I used to be able to do, that situation and lack of knowledge has meant that I have not done in recent times. The ability to just make contact for no other reason than to just make contact. Without any worries of perceived ill feeling. It is the kind of freedom that is sorely missed, and one reason for a lot of negative feeling. Quite possibly due to the fact that available times were more freely advertised in the past. Which leaves me to wonder whether a reduction in contact is desired. Ah, stop it woman.
Yes, I know I am a great one for seeing the worst and reacting to that, and it is something I am really trying to work on, with little success. But I will still keep on trying, hopefully without too much negative effect on those around me. Lucky you (plural) But until I stop putting such a high expectation on the value of my company, I am letting myself in for more of the same old same old.
But I must be getting somewhat better. I can go a whole weekend without having to make contact; Fridays are not the problem they used to be; and I actually can acknowledge the irony behind being a poorer option to the opening of a grocery store. That is wryly amusing. Now.
So I need to give thanks for being allowed to annoy with pestering contact which has gone a long way in breaking my funk. But it is a long tunnel and though there is light there, it is still a way off. So I would not advice that the washing of hair is used to counter an invitation. At least not just yet. Especially if there is any throwable liquid around.

Four lettered words

2005-10-21T14:51:00.000+09:30

I recently read a musing on love and lust, and the difference there in. And because space there was limited, I thought that I should make more comment here. I do not know if that is a wise decision or not, but then, I am not famous for my wise decisions.

I do have to agree on one point, love and lust are too readily synonymous in our society today. Lust, physical attraction, is what brings two together. Six months at least for hormones to settle and then you can see if there is love left. Too often the fever is equated with the long term haul and that is where problems occur.

Lust is a physical need, especially for a female. It, after all, is a requirement for the propagation of the species. One can almost predict when it is in the phases of the moon you want to get down to hot and sweaty. But when does want of someone become a need of someone? And what of the need when there is no want? The emotional overtaking, competing with, apart from, the biological. That is the difference.

But to talk of love as a decision that one makes? That I am not so sure of. For the saying “to fall in love” is quite appropriate, at least from personal experience.
Though I have to say first, that I believe you can love more than one at a time. Ask any parent. And often the only difference between friend and partner is that you go to bed with your partner. To be in love with your partner, does not necessarily exclude falling in love with another. And that is generally beyond choice. For though one may not choose to be in that situation, would actively choose to avoid it, it is often a nasty shock to the system to suddenly realise that precisely what you did not expect, you have to lay claim to. And such a fall can be quite painful. Definitely leaves scars and takes a hell of a lot to pull out of.

Would that love be logical and sensible. One could then argue a way out of it. But I have often written elsewhere that heart pays very little attention to what mind has to say, even if it uses body to get what it wants. And that is what really annoys. It will not listen to reason and sense, it will not obey normal expectations and conventions and it damned well will not go away when it is told to. Choice? It does make one wonder.

In and Out

2005-10-19T20:31:00.000+09:30

I have decided that the one in charge is a decidedly warped character. Just look at this creation. Or, more specifically, look at the people put on to populate creation. I suppose it is just one way of ensuring life is not boring.

Someone once told me that you can never take an objective view while you are on the inside, you needed to be outside. I am really not sure if I can agree with that. This last while I have felt at times so deep in the well that I saw stars in the sky during daylight hour (yes, it is possible, according to one of the many trivia books that adorn my shelves). Now I feel that I have finally moved outside of that but I do not feel objective at all. Nothing has changed, I do not believe anything will change as there is no indication of any change, so what happened? One of those great mysteries of life? Good thing I am nowhere near the Bermuda triangle, or I would be in serious trouble.

Anyway, speaking as I was of out and in, why is it that some people insist on trying to keep out those they want in? Do they have such an unreal expectation of what they see is the 'right one' that when they come along, unless they fit the picture exactly, they are wrong? It frustrates me to see couples where one is attracted to another and then spends so much time and effort trying to change them into something they are not, in order to fulfil unreal expectations. Unreal, in that how can either possibly be content in such? The one, in trying to be what they are not in order to be what the other wants. The other, in that no matter how good the match, how could they possibly live up to expectations?

I know I am so lucky. I have relationships that do not involve the above. I am accepted for what I am and very little effort made to mould me. Not necessarily an entirely good thing, I could do with being a lot more health conscious, less casual with finances and definitely a lot less selfish, but my angst only comes from what I do to myself.

But one thing I have had shown to be true. In all of my relationships at present, it is those that feel right, that I do not have to work at, that give me the most satisfaction and joy. There is a wide circle in which I love and am loved. What more could I ask for?

More than a bite

2005-10-14T07:54:00.000+09:30

My friend has an appointment with a dentist today, which is why I will be talking here rather than with them. Funny how ones expectation of enjoying the workplace is more tied up with who you will interact with, rather than what you will do, but that could be subject of another and not why I am here now.

Anyway, left with this free time, which I should be doing what I should do, rather than this, but, hey, what the heck. And I had been thinking, yes it does happen. Why would a person' s wisdom be tied up in their back teeth?

Now I think that is what they said, that it was a problem with their wisdom teeth. Or the least with the fact that their mouth was too small. Never been a problem of mine. Just ask anyone. Which brings me to ask. If they are going to get wisdom teeth removed, then does that mean they will never have wisdom, or the little bit of wisdom they have accumulated by this stage is also removed? That those of us with big enough mouths are advantaged with more wisdom? Or at least have the teeth to keep that we do get?

But I do think it highlights another problem. Wisdom is all too often like back teeth. Hard to access, well hidden from the light of day, often forgotten and neglected and only really dealt with when there is a problem.

We should add wisdom teeth to the list of things misnamed. Tsunami's now get their correct title, but I would pray that not all name changes are as horribly dramatic as that. We all now know they are not tidal waves. Now we need to work on star fish becoming sea stars and wisdom teeth becoming... well, anything that does not have anything to do with wisdom. Adult teeth perhaps? Except that is given to those that replace milk teeth, again misnamed as very few teenagers would go anywhere being classified as adult. Ah, this requires more thought than I have time for here.

To my friend. May your wisdom not be tied up in dental floss, may you not suffer too much from the benefits of not having a big mouth and may the fat cotton-wool feeling disappear quickly and leave no other discomfort in its wake. Look forward to being regailed with horrendous dental stories at work on Monday.

Lesson in negative reinfocement

2005-10-05T14:58:00.000+09:30

As any teacher, or parent, is well aware, one needs to have a whole repertoire of lessons in behaviour management. To build model citizens, for one. For your own sanity and peace of mind, the main. Though a recent discussion with a college had me think about a more formal discourse here.
Now, I am a firm exponent of bribery and corruption, of the right kind and in moderation, of course. It is amazing how a simple sticker or small chocolate can elicit a surprising amount of work from my students. Of course, we all know this. You would probably not be surprised what I would do for the right kind of incentive. After all, dinner, wine, flowers and chocolate are not recommended for apology or persuasion for no reason.
Another name for this is positive reinforcement. Give a reward for the right kind of behaviour and you may get a repeat of the behaviour for a chance at getting more reward. Works well, if you get the right kind of behaviour. Or you are willing to outline exactly the sort of behaviour that will get you to give a reward.
But what happens when you are wary about putting things exactly on the line? After all, not many people wish to be told they are doing something that annoys another, especially if you work with them or otherwise wish to keep relationships cordial. The other problem is that they have to show that behaviour before you can reward it, definitely a hit or miss affair.
Which is where negative reinforcement comes in. When undesirable behaviour is demonstrated then you give an undesirable response, or the very least you refuse to give recognition. The person does not like this reaction and, given persistence and consistency, they will get to the stage of not demonstrating this behaviour. Certainly, ending a relationship is one way of dealing with another’s annoying habit, but that is a bit like cutting off ones nose to spite the face. A bit dramatic, unless you are just looking for an excuse to do so. But that is another issue and possible material for another time.
Let me tell you how I know this works from personal experience. I have a friend. Yes, it is possible that there is one other insane being out there. Now it used to be that I would look for any excuse to spend time with them. Coffee at Southbank and food in Lygon St definite favourites. But the time for this was coming to an end, but I would not see this. Or, more truthfully, did not want to see this. But this friend, yes, they are still a good friend, which just demonstrates how masterful their talent at this is, managed to achieve this well. Each time an invitation was issued, they were unavailable or unable to comply. Or a ‘yes,… but’ response given, which is exceptionally effective. So I no longer issue. Not that I no longer wish to ask, I would rather have company for lunch next Saturday, but the thought is, ‘what is the point? why bother? you know what the answer will be’.
So there you have it. If there is a negative behaviour that you wish to modify, respond to it in a way that you know the other will not like. Preferably in a way that does not piss them off too much, or they may look for ways of getting back. Coolly, calmly and more than rational, and what comeback can there be? So endeth today’s lesson.

Finding the focus

2005-10-03T20:18:00.000+09:30

My son and I have a mutual friend, a workmate of mine whom I knew there would be an affinity with. Not to mention another reason for contact. But it is strange how a simple question can crystalize a whole situation. My son asked me this evening as to how our friend was, and I had to say that I honestly did not know. It was not as if we had not spoken, we had exchanged a few words on several occassions, but nothing beyond social pleasantries. A far cry from converstions once enjoyed. Now I do not know if this has anything to do with the personal issues I have been dealing with, the fact that I have rid of my demons has only served to reveal the situation as it really is. Or has it been a conscious effort on the part of the other person to put distance between us? A question not needing an answer I suppose. As long as the desired end is reached, what matter the means? Or reasons. I suppose I should be more than a little grateful that the almost complete downgrading of my role is not viewed with any sense of disappointment. Such is life. Just goes to show how effective negative reinforcement really is. I do not bother asking anymore, for the answers are either the negatives I expect or ones to vex my patience. Time to move on?

Healing peace

2005-09-29T11:42:00.000+09:30

So this is what peace feels like. It has been so long, that it is almost euphoric to experience it. This break has actually proven to be so beneficial with its healing power. Firstly, in a break away from normal scenery and routine. Secondly, in the recovery of a hobby a year in frustrating limbo. Certainly, only rewrites of some older material, but I was able to take lines further and write many pages. And that brings me to the third, and most important point, it went a long way in exorcising some of those demons of mine, given this peace. The simple joy of not feeling any disappointment with expected outcomes and to not have thoughts preoccupied, makes me think that the addiction has actually been broken. Of course, the proof will be in the coming long break, but for the first time in too long, I do not look to time away with dreaded expectation but with some eager anticipation. I can now find rest and relaxation. That, in itself, speaks volumes to me.

Pressure valve

2005-09-21T07:55:00.000+09:30

Well, not sure if I succeeded or not. Got through the two weeks leading up to the break from work, not all that hard with the way problems had to be fixed in the last few days. Then there was a busy camping weekend. But two days in and a relapse. But does it count? I mean I did not seriously expect an acceptance. But I really must learn not to find any excuse for contact. Or is it actually doing me some good? For with the way response is made, or not made, as the case may be, does this not work as reinforcement for what I wish to achieve? To hate is such a long way from where I am at the moment, but I have to head in that direction. For the waves of sick feeling in the pit of the guts and frustration at the fates wanting release in something violent can be annoying and frightening. I guess I can be thankful that they are occuring in decreasing frequency, if not intensity. Can I put that down to the ability to have this as a release of pressure? Focus, control. But just how good is deprivation for the addict?

Calming influence

2005-09-13T13:06:00.000+09:30

I find it so difficult and annoying, that when one is not feeling in the best of health, then the mental barriers also suffer a battering. I thought I was doing well. To find that I have to fight hard against the upwelling of frustration is really starting to drag me down. I do not want to have to do this, but do it I must. The keeping up of appearances is all important, for what else is there to do? Go look in the mirror? Now, there is a good idea. Cannot be too many options like that to bring one crashing back to sensibilities.

Cycles

2005-09-08T13:04:00.000+09:30

You know, I am getting tired of chasing my tail. Why is it that I keep running around in the same circles, creating the same amount of negative energy? It cannot be good for me or those around me. Wrong, I know it is not good for one near me. But what can I say? It is nice to be needed, valued in some small way by someone outside family. And though I know I am special to my family, in this case there is no obligation to do so. I think there is the problem. I know I am the center of my universe, it is hard to accept the fact that I am not the center of everyone elses.

Reward

2005-09-07T07:46:00.000+09:30

Read back on some of my more recent rants. Might actually try and follow through again with one of those suggestions. Shut down and retreat. I am tired of getting angry and upset over what I perceive to be negative reactions. Who is to say that I am just reading it all wrong? And if I am right? Not a lot intend to do about it anyway for from my point of view I am doing nothing wrong. Always maintained I had a warped point of view, far too much imagination.
Anyway, thought of a reward if I behave myself and dont issue. Going back to that nice little book shop so if I am a good girl, I will buy myself a seal and some wax. Not essential but something I would really like, so a good incentive. As is the idea that I also cannot feel disappointed from that front as well as cannot be accused of getting up to anything from the other. Might be benificial all around then?

Egg shells

2005-09-06T09:28:00.000+09:30

There are some situations that make you wish you could just lash out and hit something and it will all be solved. The release of pent up anger and frustration in doing something physical would be welcome, but not likely. Wont solve anything and is likely to physically hurt. Another anoyance to add to the list.
There was a TV show a while ago, David Carradine, I believe, where he was a 'grasshopper'. One of the things he was required to do was walk the length of a room long sheet of rice paper. But until he attained mastery, no matter how hard he tried or how careful he was, he always made a mess of things. The point here I think is self evident. My trouble is that I dont know what I am trying to master. The art of deception? So I dont seem to be doing anything to cause grief? The question also becomes as to what do I do about it. Dont attempt the task? Give up? Cannot do that at the moment, the cost is too high. Ah, well. Cannot complain though of life being boring.

Forget me not

2005-09-05T07:30:00.000+09:30

Lets try for something a little different here, in the, undoubtedly vain, hope that I might actually start doing the right thing. For all too often I find the statement ‘why did I do that?’ coming after the event rather than ‘now, remember what happened last time?’ preceding. So, write it down, in some small hope that the action will reinforce the memory.
The lesson to be learnt here is ‘offer no invitation.’ For it is all a matter of timing is it not? Certainly the answer had a qualifier but there is all the difference in the world with the pause between ‘certainly’ and ‘but’ being immediate, no real effect, and being long enough to ramble on with raised expectation. As said though, one can be thankful for only private humiliation. One can berate ones own lack of intelligence only so long as one does something about it. I mean to say, getting disappointed when an offhand affirmation is not confirmed? You have got to realize that something is seriously skewed, don’t you?
Now I just have to find something that I can treat myself with if I actually get through these next two weeks without issuing a single invitation. Difficult, for a reward to aim for that I wouldn’t give myself regardless? Requires some serious thought.

War games

2005-08-31T10:50:00.000+09:30

I would never have thought that I was actually involved in battle, but even though there is no blood being spilt, the analogy is still quite relevant. Constant reconnaissance to check out the lay of the land, tremulous negotiations to see how all parties can most benefit from the course of actions. Pushing the boundaries to see how much can be gained and how much the opposition is willing to concede. Tactical withdrawal, sue for peace. Loss and gain, but at what cost? It will be interesting to see how high a price has to be paid. Will I follow historical leads and lose the game because I am working on two fronts? Not my intention, so I will conserve resources, back off on one front, reinforce and analyse to the best of ability, keep focus narrow, not try and make gains that spread the battle and resources too thin. But the main thing will be to prevent allegiances being forged. Not likely, the combatants have too many conflicting ideals to be well suited and there is no result with my total defeat.

Interesting, and as long as no one gets hurt, the game is almost fun to play. Real trouble is, how does one know what damage you inflict?

Retreat and regroup

2005-08-30T10:49:00.000+09:30

When does a tactical retreat translate into surrender? I feel the need to withdraw, turn into myself, for the little comfort that provides. I do too much wrong lately, to myself and to others. Time to shut down and let the world go around without me. Not that it cares what I do anyway, but I seem to be having only negative impact at the moment. This way, I may have a chance of limiting damage all around. I have expected too much from all those around me at the moment and have had severe reality checks on all fronts. Something I obviously needed, but not welcome regardless. I suppose I should be thankful for small mercies though. At least I have only humilated myself privately. Again based on gross misassumptions and expectations. Hopefully I have learned that lesson. Should have by now. Just need to keep that in mind and it may save me doing it publically. Now that would leave no room for manouvers. But it sure feels like war. Counter defense on one front I could deal with, but not a combined attack. Not that there has been an aliance formed from the combatants, just that their timing has worked beautifully for my detriment. Or should that be betterment? I am too sore and battle weary at the moment to see the good that is probably going to rise from the ashes.

Time

2005-08-28T12:58:00.000+09:30

Interesting concept, this business of travelling through time and space, taking to thin air as if one was talking to someone. Have been spending the time between last here and now, doing a lot of talking to myself, in the somewhat vain hope of clearing up a few problems. Dont know that I have been entirely successful on that front, but have managed to try and get things into perpective. Not sure if I like the picture, or what the picture actually is, but who am I to tell? Have been getting a lot of things wrong though, and that I definitely dont like. Though I think the worst is that I am really not sure where to go from here. I actually asked the question yesterday, 'am I just being paranoid in thinking that there is something/I have done something wrong, yet again' Got no answer, well, actually, got a lot of verbal dancing around, which I suppose, is answer enough. And here I was, thinking that I was back on track to doing the right thing. So, are others picking up on my very good talent of reading more into things than are really there? And if that is then the case, should I go back to doing what I want because it is believed that I am doing so much more than that anyway? No, of course not. If only to have something to claim on the moral high ground, especially after giving so much away on so many fronts. They talk about being shot for a sheep as for a lamb but what do you do when the scent of lanolin is purely circumstantial? I think my finding my way back here needs to mark a point where I should withdraw, let the real world take care of itself without me, as it is so capable of doing. And continue this journal to see how it travels.

In for me

2005-01-29T15:10:00.000+10:30

Coincidence: to happen at the same time; to be the same; to agree.
I am increasingly led to believe that the one in charge has a warped sense of humour. Not only do they delight in throwing some very interesting curves into my life, but for some strange reason, they feel the need to share the experience. Cross points and intersections are all too numerous and accurately drawn to be the aspect of mere chance. Bad enough that there was one that I knew of that seemed drawn into the web of my existence and non reality, but to tap onto another stranger whose ramblings echo the more confused aspects of my nightmare? That then really ties into my growing belief that we are all more connected than we give credence for. Or is it simply that the one in charge really does have it in for me? Though really, am I that tied up in my own self importance that the feeling of paranoia is justified? Reality check needed here, again.

Sense

2005-01-19T18:00:00.000+10:30

Sense
-any of the faculties used to obtain information
an awareness or appreciation of or an ability to make judgements
regarding some specified thing
-wisdom, practical worth
-general feeling
-specific meaning
-consensus
Someone read something I wrote once and said that it made little sense. Now that made interesting mindplay as I pondered the meaning of the word. Does this mean that what I wrote did not make much sense at all in the idea that the person had little idea of the meaning behind my words? Or did they gain some meaning of my intent but it was not enough? Did I convey enough information and was this just not enough for their expectations/needs/wants? I mean, I write and ask others to read my rambles with the idea that I know what is in my head, but is that conveyed when I put it down on paper? Can others see/feel what it is I see/feel?
But just what sort of sense was I seeming failing to deliver? I consider myself to be a sense-itive person in that I take a lot in from the 5 given me. Sight, well beauty is in the eye of the beholder: sound, there are just some timbers of voices that really appeal and others that grate: taste, preferably wine, chocolate and coffee:touch, big on that tactile information: smell, definitely underated. Then of course there is common sense, which I often do not show, no-one could accuse me of being common. As for non-sense, as soon as someone tells me exactly what a non is, rather than just accuse me of having/practicing it, then I shall be most grateful. Not bad though, seems I am somewhat of an expert for that one and still unsure of its exact nature. Not bad, huh?
But to go beyond all that, the one I believe that I have neglected, to the detriment of those that know me, is the wisdom and practical worth. That is the one I should take to heart and begin to practice. Heaven only knows that I have the years be able to claim this. Maybe I am long overdue for the need to put it into effect, even if the desire to do so is ruled by non rather than common.

mad maths

2004-10-21T19:58:00.000+09:30

It is surprising what we get up to in the staff room. Passing on strange e-mails is one of the highlights. By the way, I got into the weird 2%, sort of. At least for half the problem.

> >MessageNote: This is really weird. At the end of this, you are asked a >question.
> >Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it. > >Just say the first thing that pops into your mind. > >This is a fun "test"... AND kind of spooky at the same time! Give it a try, >then e-mail it around (including back to me) and you'll see how many people >you know fall into the same percentage as you. Be sure to put in the subject >line if you are among the 98% or the 2%. You'll understand what that means >after you finish taking the "test."
> >Now... just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.
> >Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous >one..
> >You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your >mind. > >You'll be surprised.
> >Start:
>How much is:

> > > 15 + 6

3 + 56

89 + 2

12 + 53

75 + 26

25 + 52

63 + 32

I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over..

Come on, one more...

123 + 5

QUICK! THINK ABOUT A TOOL AND A COLOR!

>Scroll further to the bottom...

A bit more...

You just thought about a red hammer, didn't you? > >If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a different, >if not abnormal, mind. > >98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise. > >If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see. > >Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2% and >send to everyone, including the person that sent it to you. > > >

Dragon power

2004-10-16T11:45:00.000+09:30

Anazing the concept of serendipity. Thanks to a comment on someone elses blog site, I found a homesite for dragons, with this cute personality quiz. I like the result, but I guess they are designed for just that. What does surprise me is the picture lookes remarkably like one I saw on another site. I hope the coincidence is only due to the fact that the same picture is used for all dragon descriptions - will have to see if I can find out if so - otherwise? The number of coincidences is becoming that even the Heart of Gold would be powered for a while.

I am a A Time Dragon!
Hey, I took the http://dragonhame.com/ online Inner Dragon quiz and found out I am a Time Dragon on the inside.
In the war between good and evil, a Time Dragon tends to walk the fine line of Neutrality....When it comes to the powers of Chaos vs. those of Law and Order, your inner dragon is a risk taker and answers to no one....As far as magical tendancies, Magical spells come as natural to the Time Dragon as breathe from it's body....During combat situations, whether by spells or by claw, your inner dragon will do whatever it takes to get the job done....A rare and unusual dragon, seldom seen due to itsability to shift through time. However, seeing timedragon often means great changes and unusual eventsare about to occur. A time dragon is transparent in coloring, much like anirridescent smooth wine glass or glass catfish. Youngtime dragons are playful and inquisitive, able toteleport themselves at an early age. as they maturetheir scales take on a more irridescent hue, sometimesreflecting more of a blue, green or red coloring.'Mature time dragons are reclusive, but have been knownto involve themselves in the affairs of humans forreasons that no one can be quite sure of. Theirability to travel through time makes them virtuallyomniscient, as they have seen first hand the outcomesof fate.'Time dragons often are incredibly intelligent and eventempered, but can be extremely confusing to talk to. They are consummate planners, able to set up chains ofevents that have repercussions beyond the scope ofhuman understanding. In Combat, time dragons are nearly invulnerable,teleporting away at will or simply stepping out oftime all together. When provoked, the unlucky opponentwill find themselves not assaulted by one dragon, butmany of the same dragon, as it will travel back intime to assist itself in combat.'This Dragons favorite elements are: Time, Change,quartz
http://dragonhame.com/

Passing on words of wisdom

2004-10-04T11:16:00.000+09:30

A friend passed this on and it is so true for women of my generation, that I have to put it here.
>The Real Restroom Story>My mother was a fanatic about public bathrooms. When I was a>little girl, she'd take me into the stall, teach me to wad up toilet>paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet>paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on>a public toilet seat. Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which>consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without>actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat.>By this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd have to go home to>change my clothes.>>That was a long time ago. Even now, in my more "mature years,>"The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain, especially>when one's bladder is full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom,>you usually fin d a line of women that makes you think there's a>half-price sale on Nelly's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile>politely at all the other ladies, who are also crossing their legs and>smiling politely. You get closer and check for feet under the stall>doors. Every one is occupied.>>Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down>the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It>doesn't matter. The dispenser for the new fangled "seat covers">(invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would>hang your purse on the door hook if there were one - but there isn't - so>you>carefully but quickly hang it around your neck (mom would turn over in>her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume>"The Stance." Ahhhh relief. More relief.>>But then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down>but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet>paper on it, so you hold "The Stance" as your thighs experience a quake>that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off of>your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty>toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice>saying, "Honey, if you would have tried>to clean the seat,you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!">>Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you>blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse That>would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is>still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door>because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is>hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse>topple backward against the tank of the toilet>>"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping>your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down,>directly onto the insidious toilet seat. You bolt up quickly; knowing>all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact>with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because>YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you>had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly>ashamed of you if she knew, because you're certain that her bare bottom>never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just>don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.">>By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is>so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to>a fountain that suddenly sucks everything down with such force>that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged>off to China. At that point, you give up-because you are soaked by>the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum>wrapper you found in your pocket, and then slink out inconspicuously>to the sinks.>>You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic>sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel>and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and,>at this point, no longer able to smile politely. One kind soul at the>very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of>toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! (Where was>it when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in>the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this.">>As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since entered, used>and exited the men's restroom and read a copy of War and Peace>while waiting for you. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is>your purse hanging around your neck?">>This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever had to>deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It>finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also>answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the>restroom in pairs. It's so the other woman can hold the door and hand>you Kleenex under the door.>>>>

Surrender

2004-09-11T12:29:00.000+09:30

Just a point of clarification. While checking out some of the recent work I came across three lots of 42 which also covers a lot of the same material. Now, while I am not normally in the habit of repeating myself, except to my students, who only seem to manage to hear what they want to hear, I dont like saying it more than once in print. After all, if you wanted to see it again, it is easy enough for you to go back through the archives, for those masochistic enough to do so.
No, the triple dose was due to that funny little triangle thinggy doing its little spoke dance and telling me it was trying to publish, but not getting anywhere. Or so I thought.
So you can imagine my chagrin to find that there is more of that than I expected. Apologies to all and sundry.
Though it does raise the question of the coincidence of three in my life at the moment. Something to ponder.

Third time lucky

2004-09-11T09:37:00.000+09:30

I have this preoccupation at the moment with numbers. Probably because this will be the third time I have attempted a discourse on the number 42. Well, I think I will give that up for the moment. After all, those that are familiar with Douglas Adams will know full well what I am taling about and those that don't? Ah well, the supposed delights of hitchhiking across the galaxy will remain in the realms of the Heart of Gold immposibility drive. (By the way, who said this system does not need a spell check?
It is Friday. And with that comes a collective sigh of relief. I guess that it is because that for the next two days, we can supposedly do what we chose, rather than that dictated by the unfortunate need to pay bills and all that mundane stuff. Of course, that mainly applies to those fortunate enough to live in the time B.C. Just to qualify, that does not refer to the more correctly named time Before Christian Era, which is the way we are supposed to date our calendars CE (christian era) and BCE. But the more impacting on us and that is Before Children. Not that I can complain too much, I have been fortunate in not having sporty types that block whole days with having to stand in windy places or cold stadiums, trying to show some degree of enthusiasm. But I really regret the repeditive nature of shopping (food type) laundry and housework ( something regarded with a passion as close to hatred as I can feel) They all seem such a frustrating waste of time. You just finish doing it and then you seem to be doing the whole thing again, with no conceivable benefit.
Still. it is Friday and I should be somewhat relieved. So I will go and find a comfortable chair and sit down and do a little as I can for a short while. Except maybe, enjoy a gin and tonic while contemplating white mice and dolphins. And the number 42.

Forty Two

2004-09-09T11:44:00.001+09:30

Forty Two

2004-09-09T11:44:00.000+09:30

The answer to the question regarding life, the universe and everything, or so it seems to those lucky enough to be able to hitchhike across the galaxy. Also the number of muscles it takes to frown. Unfortunately I know which one is more relevant to me, though frowning takes too much energy and never let it be said that I was one to use more energy than necessary. It could be said that it is my contribution to conservation. Heaven only knows that it is likely to be the only impact I am likely to make on the wider world.
Now that sounds a lot more depressing than it was supposed to be, must be the results of a hard day trying to beat through the terminal lethargy that my students just seem to exude. Mind, there was one highlight in an otherwise predicable day and that was when several students were trying to take a picnic table with attached seating from one area of the school to another. Not normally a cause for concern, except that this lot was trying to go via the library corridor. Quite pleasing in one way as it shows a surprising degree of imagination and tenacity. There were a couple of us who were enjoying the spectacle even while directing them to more appropriate places. There are times where I wonder what the world will do when this lot are let loose on it.
But back to 42. I must say that it is a good conversation topic, you are never short of an answer to a question, and such an answer is guaranteed to generate interest. Either bemused disbelief from those who have never heard of Douglas Adams or a discussion on how one might distract oneself so that you can miss the ground when you throw yourself at it. So with a salute to white mice and dolphins I shall go and make myself a gin and tonic.

Forty Two

2004-09-09T05:45:00.000+09:30

I was reminded the other day of this number, one of the most interesting, I believe. As an answer to the question of life, the universe and everything, if one can ever hitchhike across the galaxy, it also highlights the necessity for knowing what the question actually is. As we often have questions for which we seek the answers, it is a different concept to have an answer, and then wonder exactly what it relates to? Rarely do we have the luxury of having a one-on-one relationship with Q & A. It is also the number of muscles it takes to frown, but I tend to be one that sees things as half full rather than half empty. Laziness will out.

Time wasters

2004-09-06T14:33:00.000+09:30

Therein lies the difference. Does this sort of work constitute a waste of time or just or just a way of using time that takes up a lot of it? But I guess that learning new things is never simple, especially when you try and do it yourself. Some might say that it is the best way to learn, for example, this missive. It has taken me a good half an hour to work out how to just create the next installment on this feature and then I finally find that it is a simple case of hit the right button. (Or so I hope. Will find out soon enough I suppose)
Now I realize that I could have just asked someone in the know, but that would have required energy to get out of my seat and go for a walk, and although I also am one who delights in mental exercise, the physical variety leaves a lot to be desired. Then too, I am a great believer in the art of procrastination and anything that is an excuse to not do what I should really be doing is as desireable as a glass of decent red wine, a good strong cup of decent coffee or a slab of Belguim chocolate. And, of course, a good book. So, in response to my feline compatriot (thank you for doing me the honour of actually reading this stuff), I need to say that A.McC's crystal singer series is another favourite, I have read some of her B & B ship books, but haven't really got into her telepath ones.
This, of course, does not mean that I do not get around to doing anything important, just don't rely on me to have the normal definition of important, as those that know me can testify. And, yes, dear tawny goddess, the poor misguided knight of whom we have correspondence, has the misfortune of knowing me in the real world. But there is never the time for such discourse as this forum provides. ( I would have replied on your site, but for some reason this system would not let me through. I shall attempt this quest at a later stage)
But now the bane of this existance calls, yet another meeting to tax the patience while numbing the braincells and the rear end.

About time?

2004-09-02T14:55:00.000+09:30

In this age of modern technology, how many of us truly embrace all these changes? How many of us take for granted all the modern convieniences of our time while at the same time fantasize about the 'romance' of the past? Who the hell cares? Tis an interesting philosophical question and one that could be debated around the dinner table, if such a thing still exists.
But I only set this up to make a comment for a person who is a colleague as part of reality but is showing me that the world of my imagination is not such a silly place to be in after all. That there are other warped souls out there in the real world who can appreciate the intricacies of Shakespeare, the simplicity of Star Wars, wonder as to the reality of Avalon ( no, not the airbase, though I do appreciate the marvel of flight and their machines) and wish that there really was such a place as Pern.
So, here I find myself. Talking to a screen. With no concept as to where this may lead. Is this what Nimue might have felt like when she took on Lancelot as her apprentice? Starting something that she had no idea where it would take her?